


Cuddle Buddy

by Winchester1989



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Crying Castiel, Crying Dean, Cuddlebuddy Castiel, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cuddling Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grieving Dean, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Platonic Cuddling, Sad Castiel, Self-Harm, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Dean, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2018-11-29 03:09:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11431908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winchester1989/pseuds/Winchester1989
Summary: Dean is the big brother, the caretaker, the responsible one. Ever since their parents died, he's the one responsible for Sam. That's great and all, but Dean needs some attention too.Deciding to be a bit selfish for once, he signs up for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe there's an angel out there who can help him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this just kinda happened. I'm writing this as I go (no schedule to posting, no nothing. When I write a new chapter, it's going up.) It's probably not going to be very long, but, knowing me, I just lied. So. This is going to be a very fluffy and angsty story, because I love fluff. And angst.  
> Let it be known that I, Winchester1989, am secretly a hugging maniac and have decided to let you all join in on that. :) Much love! ♥ 
> 
> Also; this is not beta-ed. Any mistakes are my own.

“Sam! Get your ass in here!” Dean bellowed from the kitchen, breakfast almost ready. His kid brother had gotten being a teenager down to a tee; his hormones were acting up like crazy and getting out of bed before noon? _No sir._

 

It was Sunday though, which meant no school for Sam, but that didn't mean he could spend his Sunday lying in bed and doing nothing. The kid was doing good in school though, no worries about that, but that didn’t give him a free pass to not help Dean around the house.

 

Dean was Sam’s legal guardian. Their parents were both deceased. They left them the house and Dean had been taking care of everything ever since. He didn’t mind; heck, he’d do anything for Sammy. Sure, sometimes it got a bit too much, and sure, he got lonely, but it wouldn’t be responsible for Dean to sleep around or other things he used to do; he’s a role model now and damnit, he’s going to live up to that.

 

Sam needed a parental figure in his life, and Dean’s the only one.

 

“Dean…” he heard Sam moan. Little fucker probably still hadn’t left his bed. Grabbing a glass of water, Dean stomped up the stairs and bursted into Sam’s room. Dean was right; Sam was still in bed, head stuck under a pillow, feet sticking out from the covers.

 

“Sam…” Dean warned.

Sam did nothing though, and Dean took action.

 

The cover was swiftly pulled back, revealing Sam to be in his boxers only. _Jackpot_. Dean poured the cold water onto Sam’s sleep warm body and the boy shrieked.

 

“DEAN! YOU ASSHAT!” he yelled as he turned around in bed and makes to get up, trying to catch his older brother who’s already half way down the stairs.

 

“Breakfast Sammy! Come and get it!”

 

Sam walked into the kitchen with a sour face, but it lightened up when he saw breakfast was served. Say what you want, but a teenage boy will always have the appetite of a horse and Sam was no exception.

After he’s emptied his first plate, a second was soon to follow.

 

The brothers talked amiably during breakfast; about Sam’s progress at school and if Sammy had met any cute chicks yet. Sam got embarrassed as usual and Dean loved it.

 

After doing the dishes, Sam still in his boxers, he turned towards his big brother and gave him a quick hug. “Thanks Dean,” he says. “For… well, you know. Breakfast and stuff.”

 

Dean knows the ‘and stuff’ was the biggest thing here and gave his brother a pat on the head. He wished the hug would’ve lasted a bit longer though.

Dean’s lonely. Sometimes he wished Sammy would still come to his room after a nightmare; nights cuddled up would always result in the best sleep.

 

It wasn’t anything incestuous; it was just being with somebody else. Dean doesn’t like being alone, but he wouldn’t admit that to anyone. Not even Sam.

Back when they were on their own for the first time, Sam would cuddle up to him on the couch every evening. Sometimes Sam would admit he didn’t like sleeping alone; Dean would simply pull up his cover and Sam would snuggle up against him.

 

But Sam had grown up and apparently being cuddly or ‘touchy-feely’ wasn't normal when you are a teenager.

 

Dean missed human touch. He craved it. He was in the supermarket the other day when he helped an old lady. She needed something from the top shelf and couldn’t reach it. He helped her and she had given him a warm hug in return. He had tears in his eyes when she let go and he wished he could’ve held her a bit longer… She had smelled exactly like his mom.

 

Things like that could mess up his day. He’d be cranky for the rest of it and would snap at Sam, who in return tried to figure out what he did wrong. Dean would sulk all evening until Sam would come sit next to him. This was usually the time when Dean would look at Sam, put an arm around his shoulder and pull him towards him. Sam never complained and he’d sit beside Dean for the remainder of the evening.

 

But that’s only then. Sam never initiated the cuddles himself, just the short ones like this morning in the kitchen. It was as if he realized Dean needed a bit attention then, and he would gladly give it, but he thought he was just helping Dean get through whatever it was that was bothering him. Sam never realized it was the human touch itself that Dean craved.

 

The Sunday went like any other Sunday. Sam spent the afternoon doing homework, Dean cleaned in and around the house and they ordered pizza for dinner, watching it in front of the TV. As the commercials came on, Sam walked out to go to the bathroom. Dean was just about to grab the last piece of pizza when a loud and obnoxious commercial came on. It was glittery, with outdated fonts and screaming colors. He liked it.

 

“Are you getting lonely? Do you want warm arms holding you tight?”

 

_Yeah. Yeah I kinda do._

“Not getting the relaxation that you need? Do you feel… alone?”

 

_Yup. No argument there._

 

“Go to our website and sign up! We’ve got a Cuddlebuddy waiting for you!”

 

_Huh._

 

“Terms and agreements on the website. Cuddlebuddy.com!”

 

“So. You gonna sign up?” Sam asked from the doorway. Crap.

He knew he should’ve turned down the volume.

 

Rubbing a hand on his neck, he turned around. “No… I mean, pff, who needs that? Huh?”

 

Sam squinted. “You.”

 

Dean turned back around, not wanting to face Sam anymore.

 

“Come on Dean! We both know you’re lonely. This might be good. Look, it’s no sex or anything, just cuddling with somebody.”

 

“If it’s so important, why don’t you cuddle with me anymore, huh?”

 

Dean got him on that one. Sam stayed quiet and Dean felt like a dick. If Sam didn’t want to cuddle, he didn’t want to cuddle. Dean shouldn’t make him feel like he was obligated or something, because that would only push Sam away.

 

“Dean, I… you know I don’t mind, it’s just… Crap, I’m sorry.”

 

“Never mind.” Dean said as he stood up, taking the pizza boxes with him to take them to the trash.

He pushed past Sam. He was done with this whole conversation.

 

That evening as Dean sat down to watch Die Hard for probably the 100th time, Sam shuffled into the room. Dean didn’t pay him any mind and instead tried to remember the lines and focus on his movie.

Sam sat down on the sofa and pulled Dean’s arm up, scooting down under it, then relaxed, melting his body against Dean. The older brother sighed, tightened his hold and kissed Sam on top of his head.

 

“Bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two weeks since Dean saw the commercial. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it every day. Warm arms holding him tight, maybe even saying some reassuring words. He didn’t know if that would be part of the package, but he surely hoped so. As he was getting out of his coveralls, Bobby came up to him.

 

“Everything alright boy? You been kinda off these last few weeks.”

 

“Yeah Bobby, I’m fine,” Dean replied, going over to the industrial sink to wash his hands.

 

“No you’re not. I ain’t blind, boy.”

 

Dean sighed and turned around while was drying his hands. “Just… just leave it, okay Bobby?”

 

Bobby frowned and muttered something about ‘stubborn idjits’ as he walked away. Shrugging on his leather jacket, Dean went to his car, a ’67 Impala, hoping the drive home would put him in a better mood.

 

~*~

 

_Sam: Can I stay over at Kevin’s place for dinner?_

 

Great. Dean had been looking forward to annoying Sam tonight, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen.

 

_Dean: K. I want u back by eight though._

_Sam: Yes mom._

_Dean: Ha. Fucking. Ha._

_Sam:_ _J love you, bye_

_Dean: LY, bye_

 

Dean tossed his phone on the sofa as he got up to get his laptop. Ever since he saw that awful commercial it was like every moment he spent alone was magnified, feeling as if he would never be happy again, as if he was destined to grow old and have over fourteen cats, to become known as the ‘grumpy old cat man’ from down the street. Dean hadn’t been planning on it, but as things were now, it’s where he was headed. Although he’d rather have dogs, so then ‘grumpy old dog man’ would be more appropriate.

 

The colorful website assaulted his eyes. It was as if someone decided Comic Sans needed to be back in business and then have a unicorn poop all over the design. The sign-up form was found quickly though, and after filling out the logical things like name, address and phone number, he was asked more personal matters.

 

‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how alone do you feel?’

 

_I don’t know. An 8? Yeah. 8._

 

‘Would you prefer a male or female Cuddlebuddy?’

 

Dean had always liked women, especially ones with a bit of extra meat. Soft and squishy curves, plenty of nooks and crannies to which he could mold his body. He liked men, too. He had never acted on that before, but could appreciate hard jaw lines and strong arms. If you dug deep you’d find out Dean would be eager to know what it would be like to be manhandled, loved and caressed by a man, but he would deny that if it was ever asked. He thinks he’d like being with a man. Someday.

 

For now though, he’d go with what he knew, and what was _safe_. He skipped the ‘male’ and ‘indifferent’ box, only ticking ‘female’.

 

After agreeing to the terms and guidelines (with logical statements, such as keeping clothes on during sessions and no talking about personal issues, ‘for that we recommend professional help’) he scrolled down to find a box in which you could ask your own question or make a remark.

 

He filled out his request, asking if it was possible for his Cuddlebuddy to whisper kind and encouraging words to him while they cuddled. If he was going to be a chick like this, he would go all the way and ask for what he wanted. Besides, he paid them enough for it.

 

His nerves skyrocketed as his mouse hovered over the ‘submit’ button. Closing his eyes, he clicked and opened them to find the website congratulating him on signing up.

 

~*~

 

Dean was nervous. He’d never been this nervous before in his life. Okay, maybe a couple of times, but this one certainly made the top ten.

Tonight his Cuddlebuddy would come over. Dean had gotten an e-mail from a Gabriel Novak about a day after he signed up, in it a few dates and times to which Dean could reply if he was available or not.

 

He had picked out the one he could do the soonest, afraid he was going to chicken out if he waited longer.

The girl was supposed to be here in less than two hours and he had yet to kick Sam out of the house. Of course this would be the night the little freak wanted to stay in.

 

“Dude, what are you doing tonight?”

 

Sam looked up from the kitchen table, which was scattered in calculus books. Nerd.

“I need to finish this and then I wanted to get started on my science project. Why?”

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and avoided eye contact with his little brother. “I um… kind of have… somebody coming over?”

 

“Sooooo you want me to go? You know I could just stay in my room. Is it a girl?”

 

Well. He wouldn’t be lying.

“Yes. A girl. For. Uh… a date. Yep. A date.”

Sam frowned and slowly closed one of his books. “No it’s not. You’re lying, I can tell. You suck at lying.”

 

Goddammit.

 

“Could you just… just go to Kevin’s or something? Or Garth?” Dean asked. He really didn’t want Sam to be home for this.

 

“Ugh. Fine. But you owe me!” Sam said as he gathered his school things. After putting his books in his bag, he looked over to the stove with longing in his eyes.

 

The puppy dog eyes weren’t lost on Dean and he sighed. “Yes, you can still eat here. I didn’t make all that food just for myself. She’s coming over after dinner.”

 

“Good,” Sam grins, “because I really want some of that chili.”

 

The two brothers ate on the sofa, as per usual, Dean letting Sam distract him for the time being.  It was over way too quickly though, and Sam was out the door at 7pm, leaving Dean and his anxiety all on his own.

 

He went upstairs, changing the bed sheets and making sure his room was clean. He didn’t want the girl to get a bad impression. He’d read on the website that most sessions would happen on the bed; the most room for cuddling and laying down. The sofa wouldn’t be a problem either, but Dean felt more comfortable in his bedroom.

 

After making sure his hair was okay he changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, ultimate comfort for cuddling. God, this was really happening. The doorbell jerked him from his thoughts and made his heart beat rapidly. He darted down the stairs and tried to calm himself before slowly opening the front door.

 

She looked nice. A bit too skinny to Dean’s taste, but he wasn’t in a position to complain. They sent her, so she must be good, right? She had brown hair and brown eyes, wearing a skirt with high heels and a top that showed quite a bit of cleavage. It didn’t really look that comfortable for snuggling.

 

“Hi! My name is Lisa. You must be Dean! I must say, you look even better in real life!”

 

Dean tried to remember if he had needed to submit a picture to the website, but he didn’t think so.

“Better?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, I kinda looked you up on Facebook. I know that’s not company policy, but, blah blah, who cares, right? I’m going to like snuggling you!” she winked.

 

Dean didn’t really like where this was going. She seemed unprofessional, and even more, she seemed as if she wanted more than cuddles. Dean wasn’t comfortable with that. He didn’t want sex, or even making-out. The thought alone repulsed him right now. He took a deep breath, hoping he’d just gotten the wrong impression, then invited her in.

 

Her high heels made scratches on the floor. He counted to ten and asked her to take off her shoes.

She did so agonizingly slow, bending down almost seductively, ass up in the air. Dean avoided looking at it, at _her_. He so didn’t want this.

Dean motioned towards the stairs, letting her lead. She swayed her hips as she walked up, Dean purposely keeping his distance.

 

When they got into the bedroom, she sat down on the bed, crossing her legs.

 

“I, um… I made the bed. You know. So it’s… clean.”

 

 _‘So it’s clean?’_ Wow Winchester, way to sound confident.

 

“Want to lay down?” Lisa asked as she moved up the bed, laying on her side.

 

Dean nodded and walked over, then laid down beside her on his back. He was nervous, and he had never been nervous around girls before. Granted, it had been a few years since he had even been with a girl, but still. This wasn’t even about sex, but why did it feel like it was for her?

 

“Relax…” she whispered. “I read you’d like me to say some soothing words to you? Help you get comfortable?”

 

It wasn’t for getting comfortable, Dean thought to himself. It was for allowing himself to believe the words were really true, like someone cared that Dean wasn’t feeling happy, and that that person would do anything to fix it. If someone could just say those things to him, just for a while, maybe he could gather strength from it and make his days a bit more bearable.

 

Still, he murmured a ‘yes please’, hoping Lisa’s voice would give him some kind of comfort.

She turned around so her back was towards him, then patted her waist. “Hold me,” she said.

 

Dean didn’t have the heart to tell her that he wanted to be the little spoon, no matter how silly that would look. He wanted someone to hold _him_ , not the other way around.

 

So, he did what any gentleman would do, and he held her, being the big spoon.

“There’s a good boy,” she whispered. “You’re doing just fine…”

 

_Good boy? I’m doing ‘fine’?_

That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He wasn’t some slave or submissive, and he definitely wasn’t her ‘boy’.

 

Dean startled as Lisa took his hand and pulled it up, so he was basically cupping her breast.

“Touch me… there’s a good boy…”

 

No. No, no, NO.

Dean jerked his hand away and scrambled off the bed.

 

“I think you should leave.” He said with a trembling voice.

 

Lisa got up off the bed and raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

 

“You should leave. This wasn’t what I had in mind, I… I just wanted to cuddle.”

 

“Seriously? What kind of guy doesn’t want to have sex?!” she almost shouted.

 

Dean flinched. He didn’t like conflict.

 

“This isn’t what I… the website said… I just wanted to be held and I…”

 

“God, you’re a freak,” Lisa stated as she walked out of the room.

Dean followed her down the stairs, muttering apologies, even though he hadn’t been the one at fault.

 

Lisa was being unprofessional, but that didn’t occur to Dean. Everyone always left him, why would this be any different?

 

“Sorry? You’re sorry? I should’ve known. Handsome guy like you signs up? Bound to be something wrong in the upstairs department,” she said as she pointed a finger towards her forehead. “Good luck with your life, Dean” she spat out as she put on her high heels.

 

Not even looking at him anymore, she opened the front door and walked out, slamming it shut. Dean stood in the hallway, a sad mess in sweatpants and a t-shirt, tears filling his eyes. He crumbled on the spot, falling to the floor.

 

He was a freak. He always knew it, but now it was confirmed. Lisa hadn’t even been with him for fifteen minutes, yet she knew the truth immediately. He wasn’t even worth a cuddle.

 

Curling in on himself, he laid in a ball on the floor, letting the tears flow. Sam wouldn’t be back for a couple of hours, plenty of time to clean himself up before then.

 

~*~

 

The sound of a key rattling the lock made Dean look up. He hadn’t been crying that long, had he? The door swung open and he could see his brother’s shoes. “Dean!! I’m home!! Sorry it’s this early but Kevin’s mom was...” A gasp. Dean was afraid to look up.

 

Here he was, still laying on the floor in the hallway. What a pathetic sight that must be.

“Dean!” Sam said. The shoes were coming closer very quickly. _Sam needs new shoes_ , Dean thought to himself. They were getting old and dirty.

 

Hazel eyes were in his vision now and it was hard to see them clear, the haze of tears still filling his eyes.

Sam cupped his face and used his thumbs to wipe away tears. It felt nice.

 

“Come on, let’s sit down in the living room,” Sam stated as he tried to pull Dean up. Dean didn’t want to though, and only let himself be lifted up to a sitting position. Sam gave up and sat down next to him.

 

“What happened?” Sam whispered. Dean turned and looked at him.

 

“Nothing happened. That’s the point,” he said. “She left because I’m just a freak. It’s true though, because I know I am and then – “

 

“Stop. From the beginning.”

Dean really didn’t give Sam enough credit. The concerned look on Sam’s face made Dean feel as if maybe, just maybe, he could hold on a bit longer.

 

“You know that website we talked about?” he sniffed.

 

Sam nodded.

 

“I uh… I signed up. And tonight we were going to cuddle.”

 

“Who is we, Dean?” Sam asked as he pulled Dean close, letting him rest his head on his chest. It was nice. It probably looked funny, with Dean being a lot bigger than Sam (although the boy had been growing a lot recently- it wouldn’t surprise Dean if Sam would grow to be taller than him), but it fit well. Dean didn’t fight it and let Sam hold him. At least his only family wanted to. Not all the time, but still.

 

“They sent a girl. But she… she looked me up on Facebook and decided I was cute enough for more than just cuddles. She wanted more and I… I couldn’t, Sam. I didn’t want that. I said no and she got mad and I… she was right. I’m a freak. Who turns down sex, huh?”

 

Sam was still holding him, gripping him tighter when he heard what Lisa had done.

 

“What was her name?”

 

“She said her name was Lisa,” Dean said as he wiped his nose with the bottom of his shirt. Yuck.

 

“Do you have contact information for this company?” Sam said coolly.

 

Uh oh. Sam was mad.

 

“Please don’t be mad at me, Sam, I know I should’ve… I shouldn’t have just let a stranger in and I…”

 

Sam pushed him back and looked him straight in the eyes.

 

“That’s not it, Dean. I’m going to call them. How dare they hire such unprofessional people? I’m going to fix this. They hurt you. They hurt my brother.”

 

_Oh._

 

~*~

 

Gabriel was working late, but he didn’t mind. The amount of people that had signed on to his website was overwhelming, and he was struggling getting them all a Cuddlebuddy on time. He had seven employees, mostly female, four of them out right now doing sessions.

 

Who knew so many people craved a simple thing as touch? And paying for it? It was a goldmine.

 

His phone ringing urged him to push away multiple stacks of paper, until he found the cordless device and pressed the ‘accept’ button.

 

“Cuddlebuddy, Gabe speaking! How may I help you this fine evening?”

 

“This Gabriel Novak?” a young voice said. The voice sounded cold.

 

“Yes, this is he. Who am I speaking to?” he asked. He didn’t remember having such young clients, there was an age policy, after all.

 

“This is Sam Winchester, brother to Dean Winchester. One of your employees was here this evening for a cuddle session and left my brother in tears. What are you going to do about it?” he almost ranted.

 

“Wow wow wow, slow down there. Care to explain to me exactly what happened? Why can’t your brother tell me himself?”

 

“Because, like I said, he’s in tears! She didn’t listen to a word he said! She looked him up on Facebook, clearly indicated she wanted something more intimate to happen tonight, then called him a freak when he denied her. All he wants is for somebody to hold him! One, her behavior was totally unprofessional. Two, you need to fire her. Three, my brother paid good money for this. Four; You need to fix  it!”

 

Gabriel was in shock as he heard this story. He knew Lisa could be a bit… out there, but he never thought she’d blatantly surpass company policy and harass a client. This could ruin his company long before it even got off the ground. Crap.

 

“I can send someone over right now. If you want. I mean, if Dean wants that. I can. Someone professional. The night is still young and I have someone in the area. I’ll give Dean back the money he paid for Lisa, and send this other person over for free.”

 

He heard Sam talk to someone, undoubtedly Dean, then he heard footsteps and a closing door. It seemed Sam had walked away to talk a bit more privately.

 

“Yes, please send someone.”

 

Gabe knew he shouldn’t, but he asked anyway. “I know this is a very stupid thing of me to ask. But if your brother wants to be held so bad, why don’t you?”

 

He heard Sam huff. “Yeah, genius. I do cuddle him. A lot. But it’s not enough. He needs something I can’t give him. He’s my brother and I love him, but I’ve got a life too. Friends, school. If it were up to him we’d cuddle every night and I… I can’t. I already feel horrible about that.”

 

“No kid, I get it. You’ve got a life too. I’m sending someone over, a male this time. Hold tight.”

 

“Thank you.” Sam whispered, then ended the call.

 

Gabriel took off his reading glasses and rubbed his face. This was not supposed to happen.

 

Picking up the phone, he scrolled down and called a familiar number. It was not an employee, but this person knew what Gabe did for a living and only lived a few blocks from Dean Winchester. He wasn’t lying about the ‘in the area’ part. He really hoped this person could help him out.

 

“Cassie, little bro! Listen, I need a huge favor…”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“You want me to do what!?”

 

“Come on Cassie. I know you’re good with people and I could really use your help. You give hugs to basically everybody you know!”

 

Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “That’s different Gabe. That’s with friends and family. I don’t even know this man!”

 

“But he needs you!”

 

“He doesn’t need me.”

 

“I kinda… already told them you were coming by.”

 

If he could’ve hung up the phone by aggressively smashing it into a wall, he would have. However, he didn’t want to ruin his expensive smartphone and opted out. “No.”

 

“If you do this for me, I’ll cover for you so you won’t have to go to Michael’s birthday party,” he heard Gabriel say smugly. That bastard knew where Castiel’s weak points were.

 

“Fine. Send me his info and give me ten minutes.”

 

“You’re a saint!”

 

“I know.”

 

Castiel hung up and started turning off the lights and closing the curtains. After shrugging on his coat and stepping into his shoes, he went outside, car keys in hand.

 

He knew his sweet demeanor would mean trouble for him someday. So what if he was a very affectionate person? That wasn’t always a good thing. Not in Castiel’s case, anyway. Maybe he grew up to be this way because he didn’t really get his love at home. Their family was very religious and showing affection to one another was frowned upon. If somebody needed love or guidance, they would have to pray. When Castiel had told his parents he was gay, they didn’t say anything. He should ‘pray the gay away’. They allowed him to live with them until he was eighteen, and he lived with Gabriel for a few years after that until he finally got a place of his own. He only saw his family on holidays now, but he didn’t mind. Gabriel was enough.

 

Castiel had started seeking out human touch whenever he wasn’t at home. He’d started out slow and found out that nobody really minded. After a while some classmates even initiated the hugs themselves when they came up to him. Castiel was willing to be a listening party to a lot of people, giving them affection when needed. He had a lot of friends growing up, and he loved it.

 

Sometimes this character trait would cause difficulties. Some people didn’t know boundaries and would come to Castiel with difficult questions, to which he had no answers. They would pour out all their troubles and feel relieved when they got it all of their chest. They’d be happy and bubbly when they left, but they unknowingly left Castiel with _their_ troubles, who would mull those over repeatedly. He’d learned how to cope with that now, but it hadn’t always been easy.

 

He knew Gabriel had started a business involving human touch. He was all for it, but refused to work for him. It didn’t feel _right_ , going to strangers’ homes and laying on their beds. Even if it was just to snuggle, the people were strangers to Castiel and having physical contact that lasted for over a few moments would surely become awkward, right?

 

Right.

 

Then why did he feel a certain pull when he heard the name ‘Dean Winchester’? He didn’t know this man… did he?

 

He waited for his phone to signal an incoming e-mail, and when it did, he opened it quickly.

The message said _‘All hail Cassie king of cuddles!’_ and had an attached file named D. Winchester.

 

Opening the file he was presented with the usual information. Gender, age, address, phone number.

On the first question Dean Winchester had filled in an ‘8’. Wow. He must be very lonely.

Further it said he only wanted a female Cuddlebuddy, but he knew from Gabriel that Dean had stepped off from that.

In the request box was a message from Dean himself.

 

_‘Don’t wanna sound weird or anything but maybe the person coming over could say some positive words while we’re cuddling, like maybe how everything is gonna be ok or petnames or something idk’._

Castiel didn’t know what ‘idk ‘ stood for but he understood what it was Dean wanted. He wanted comfort. He could do that. The man probably wanted to be the little spoon, too.

Dean’s submission screamed insecurity and loneliness.

 

After tapping in the address on his navigation, he was surprised to find it was just a three minute drive. Gabriel wasn’t kidding when he said this Winchester man lived close by.

As he started the car, he heard a rattling noise. He didn’t really mind, because that meant he could go to that garage again with the cute mechanic. He didn’t know if said mechanic was gay, but a man could always hope. He had these gorgeous green eyes he could drown in.

 

~*~

 

The house was well kept. It had a small front lawn which was cared for and a front porch. Stepping up, he knocked on the door and heard footsteps approaching.

 

A young boy, probably about fifteen, opened the door. “Name?” He asked.

 

“Castiel Novak. I am here for Dean Winchester. I work for Cuddlebuddy.”

 

Gabriel had asked Castiel not to tell the Winchesters he wasn’t officially an employee. Castiel felt guilty about that, but told the white lie. It wasn’t as if he had bad intentions. Quite the opposite, he was here saving Gabe’s ass.

 

“Come on in. He’s in the living room, follow me.”

 

Castiel  didn’t really have time to wonder about the fact that a child would just let a stranger into the house without seeing any ID, because when he entered the living room, he felt his heart drop.

On the couch was his mechanic. His beautiful mechanic, who always smiled so radiantly at him, made funny jokes and blushed when Castiel complimented him.

 

Right now though, his face was puffed up from tears, hands trembling.

He had on a pair of sweatpants and an old grey t-shirt, now wet at the front from tears and snot. He knew Lisa could be mean (and he had warned Gabe about hiring her) but to make his happy mechanic look so lost… he’d probably want to bitch slap her the next time he saw her. Probably more than once. He was going to call Gabriel about this as soon as he got home.

 

Dean looked up and his eyes widened. Castiel knew Dean had recognized him.

Sam was looking at him expectantly and Castiel knew _he_ was the one who should take charge. As it was, he was here to ‘fix this’, according to Gabriel. Castiel felt a lot better knowing he knew this man and didn’t feel uncomfortable around him.

 

Time to go into caretaker mode.

 

“Sam, I’m going to take Dean upstairs with me. If you need anything, just knock. I’m going to take care of him now,” he said to the boy in a soft tone. Sam nodded and waited to see what Castiel would do.

 

Castiel walked over to Dean, who had his hands in his lap and had his head down again. Such a shame. Those eyes shouldn’t be looking at the floor.

 

He stood in front of Dean and held out a hand, making sure Dean could see it.

“Hello Dean. My name is Castiel Novak. May I take care of you tonight?”

 

Dean shivered but didn’t take Castiel’s hand. Deciding to be bold, Castiel raised his hand and carded his fingers through Dean’s hair. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

 

The young man looked up with tears in his eyes. “ _Don’t fuck with me_. Don’t mock me,” he spat out, voice trembling. Castiel didn’t remove his hand, but kept stroking.

 

Castiel crouched down. “Dean, I am sorry for what happened with Lisa. Trust me when I say that her and I are nothing alike. I’m a caregiver... It’s what I do. Let me give you what you need.”

 

It was minimal, but Castiel saw it. A nod. Holding his hand out again, Dean took it with apprehension.

 

They walked past Sam, who gave Dean an awkward fist bump on his shoulder. “ ‘s Okay Sammy, go to bed.” Dean mumbled as he walked by.

 

Castiel wondered where Dean’s parents were. Dean wasn’t very old, surely their folks must be around? This house was too big for just two people.

 

~*~

 

When Castiel closed the bedroom door behind Dean, the younger man shivered.

 

“Where are your t-shirts?” Castiel asked.

 

“I can get a clean one myself,” Dean stated as he went to the dresser.

 

Castiel let Dean grab a clean t-shirt, but took it from his hands directly after.

“I said I would help, and I will. Take off your shirt.”

 

Dean’s eyes widened.

 

“I’m not her, Dean.”

 

Dean trembled and slowly took off his shirt, watching Castiel’s every move.  Castiel held the clean t-shirt open in front of Dean, so he could stick his arms in at the same time. He then pulled the t-shirt over Dean’s head and tugged it down, then told him to sit down on the bed and wait for Castiel.

 

There was an attached bathroom in which Castiel wet a washcloth with warm water.

Sitting down next to Dean on the bed, he cleaned Dean’s face. The younger man closed his eyes and let him, giving Castiel the opportunity to study Dean’s face from close by. Long lashes, freckles. He was beautiful.

 

This was professional though. After cleaning him up he pulled Dean up with him, so both were standing by the bed. Castiel opened the covers.

“Crawl in, I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

Dean got in and looked up at Castiel. “Don’t… I mean… I don’t even know anymore,” he eventually sighed.

 

“It’s okay to be quiet, sweetheart.” Castiel said as he went to throw the washcloth in the hamper.

Walking back into the room he took off his shoes and his trench coat. He’d still had those on, eager to get Dean comfortable first before thinking about himself.

 

Castiel was in a relaxing outfit too, as he had counted on a night in. It was a good cuddle outfit too, so no problem there. Crawling under the covers he scooted over towards Dean.

 

“Can I hold you?”

 

“That’s kinda the point, right?” came the snarky reply. Castiel knew it was just a façade, a barrier Dean put up to protect himself.

 

“What I meant was, do you want to be the big or the little spoon?”

 

Dean was quiet for a moment. Then he whispered, “What do you think?”

 

“I think I should be the big spoon.” Castiel stated calmly.

 

“Yeah…” was the muffled reply. Castiel smiled softly and put one arm under Dean’s neck, the other over Dean’s waist. Dean was enveloped in his arms and he fit perfectly. Castiel pulled him in a bit, making sure he was touching him from head to toe. He figured Dean needed that.

 

Dean stiffened at first, but it only took a few moments for him to relax, almost going limp in Castiel’s hold.

 

“There you go. It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re going to be okay,” Castiel murmured in his ears.

 

Castiel could feel his right arm becoming wet in the crook of his elbow. Dean’s tears were warm.

 

“Everything’s going to be fine. I’m right here…” he whispered.

 

Dean trembled and Castiel raised his left arm, stroking Dean’s hair, trying to get him to relax.

“I’m right here… it’s okay, let it out…”

 

~*~

 

Dean felt overwhelmed. He was laying in Mr. Novak’s arms. Never in a million years would he have suspected to be in this position with the man of his dreams. Mr. Novak came into the shop quite regularly, his old barrel not even worth the fixing, but he had claimed ‘sentimental value’ and fixed it for him multiple times.

 

Mr. Novak was nice, he always made Dean smile. Sometimes he could be a bit flirtatious, causing Dean to blush. If he would ever go gay, it was for Mr. Novak.

 

So this cruel universe would of course send _him_. He should’ve known after seeing Gabriel’s last name. Then again, he didn’t know the Cuddlebuddy program had been _this_ local.

 

He thought Castiel was a librarian, since he had mentioned that some time ago. Maybe this was his second job then?

 

When Castiel said he wanted to be the big spoon, his heart almost gave in. He wanted that so much. He wanted to be _held_. And if it happened to be Mr. Novak… well, let’s just say, God was on his side today.

 

It still wasn’t about anything romantic though. Dean couldn’t. He wouldn’t. All he craved was physical touch. Right this moment, he was getting it, and it did more to him than he thought.

 

After a while Cas began saying the sweetest things. He called him sweetheart, said everything was going to be okay. That’s when Dean broke. He couldn’t stop the tears and imagining Lisa’s disgusted face.

 

The tears turned into sobs and Castiel held him through all of it. Dean thought he might die from embarrassment when this would be over. Surely this was crossing a personal line?

 

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled.

 

“Nothing to be sorry for sweetheart. I’m right here. Let it all out.”

 

The waterworks continued.

 

~*~

 

After Dean’s breakdown, things went quiet. Dean’s breathing went from stuttering to normal to slow, and he became heavy in Castiel’s hold. A soft snore confirmed his suspicions. Castiel didn’t let go. He didn’t want to, not yet anyway.

 

How many times had he dreamt of holding this man in his arms? He should be thanking Gabriel for this. He decided to indulge himself.

 

A soft knock on the door startled him out of his musings.

“Yes?” he asked softly, knowing it could only be Sam.

 

The younger boy opened the door and looked at Dean sleeping in Castiel’s arms.

 

“Is he okay?”

 

Castiel looked down at Dean, who had turned against him, his head now on Castiel’s chest.

 

“He will be. But I think it’s wise if I come back at least once a week.” He said.

 

He knew he shouldn’t. He wasn’t even Gabe’s employee, for fuck’s sake. But this was Dean. Who he had been dreaming about. And who apparently was _very_ lonely. He was **not** going to let any of Gabe’s other employees fill in Lisa’s gap. He would do this. Castiel was allowed to be selfish, and if he was being honest, he thought Dean would prefer him anyway. They already knew a bit about each other, great start, right?

 

The fact that Dean burrowed deeper into Castiel’s side and murmured a soft ‘Cas’, confirmed this and made Castiel smile.

 

Sam nodded. “I think he would like that. That Lisa girl really freaked him out. He was a mess.”

 

Castiel felt a flare of anger towards She Who Must Not Be Named and a surge of protectiveness towards the man in his arms.

 

“I’ll ask Dean if he wants me to come back. I hope so.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” Sam said as he walked over to them.

 

After looking at Dean’s sleeping form for a while, he turned his gaze towards Castiel.

 

“Don’t let him wake up alone. Please. I’ll pay you if he doesn’t wake up until tomorrow morning. I know you’re here for free tonight, but still.”

 

Castiel smiled. “Don’t. Don’t pay me. I’m doing this for Dean. I actually know him, he uh… he’s my mechanic.”

 

Sam smiled back at him and chuckled. “Yeah, well. I meant what I said. He shouldn’t wake up alone. I don’t know if you have work or anything tomorrow but if it’s possible, let him sleep in. I’ll call his boss and let him have the day off. His boss is like close family, so…”

 

“Your parents, where are…”

 

Sam cut him off. “Dead. Dean raised me. That’s why I need you to… to do this. Because I can’t. I wish I could.”

 

He sure had a lot of wisdom for a boy his age.

 

Castiel nodded and Sam turned around, glancing back at Dean once before leaving the room.

 

Dean mumbled something and smacked his lips, then lifted his arm, resting it on Castiel’s belly.

 

“You’ve been carrying all this all by yourself, Dean? You’ve had it this hard, and I didn’t even notice it… You always seemed so happy…” he whispered.

 

“I’m here now baby.” He said as he kissed Dean on top of his head. He knew he was crossing a line, but he couldn’t ignore the strong feelings bubbling up inside him. There was a _need_ , an urge, to keep Dean safe. If he could bundle Dean up in a blanket and carry him with him all day, he would.

 

He didn’t want Dean to wake up alone either. So he scooted down, pulling Dean with him, and closed his eyes. He hoped he would wake up with the young man still sleeping softly in his arms.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Dean felt incredibly warm and safe, a feeling he hadn’t had in a very long time. Slowly opening his eyes, he took in his surroundings. He was in his own bed, which was good, but there was somebody under him… somebody he was drooling on apparently. Lifting his head he looked at the person and all of a sudden the events of last night came back to him. He was in bed with Mr. Novak.

 

Mr. Novak was still fast asleep and it was a sight Dean never ever wanted to forget. His lips were slightly opened, soft warm puffs of air coming out at regular intervals, his hair was sticking up every which way possible, which looked adorable, a word Dean rarely used.

 

If he could, he’d stay in his hold all day. But he knew he shouldn’t. It had already gone too far by letting Mr. Novak spend the night. Not that anything had happened, but surely the company he worked for didn’t allow their employees to stay way past the normal time scheduled for a session? Besides, Mr. Novak, or ‘Castiel’, but that sounded a bit too intimate, even after what happened, hadn’t probably wanted to stay here. Maybe he had felt pity for Dean and that’s why he stayed longer. Surely, then he’d just fallen asleep and how awkward was this going to be?

 

Dean was sure that Mr. Novak wouldn’t stay for him so it would be best if he took the first step. You can’t get hurt if you don’t let yourself be vulnerable, right? Dean checked the alarm clock and saw that he had plenty of time to get ready for work.

So, Dean quietly removed himself from the bed, gently lifting Mr. Novak’s arm when he tried to pull Dean back. Probably a subconscious action, not really because he wanted Dean to stay. Nobody ever wanted Dean to stay.

 

After relieving himself in the bathroom, Dean got dressed and left a note on the dresser. He went downstairs and grabbed his keys, then got in the Impala, driving away to get breakfast elsewhere, then go to Bobby’s to work.

 

~*~

 

As Castiel stretched after a wonderful night’s sleep (Dean’s bed had memory foam - something Castiel could appreciate very much) he found the bed empty and cold. Turning over, he looked at the adjacent bathroom. The door was open, but no sign of Dean.

 

“Dean?” he called out, but didn’t get a reply. He sat up, stretching once again, and his eyes fell on a piece of paper.

 

_‘Mr. Novak,_

_Thank you for ~~holding me~~   your help last night. I will give you a good review if you want. I don’t need any more sessions and I’ve decided to stop using the cuddlebuddy program. I went to work so if you could please close the door behind you when you go I’d appreciate it._

_\- Dean’_

Castiel crumbled the paper and let out a groan. This Dean Winchester was a very stubborn man. The way he’d acted last night clearly showed that he needed the attention, but he was too damn proud to take it. Last night he’d been broken, sure, but apparently Dean thought he’d be fixed after one session.

 

Who was Castiel kidding anyway? It wasn’t a session. Sure, some would call it that, but a session didn’t include sleeping next to each other the entire night, or kissing a client, even if it was just the top of his hair.

 

“Castiel?”

 

Castiel jumped at the sound and looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway.

 

“Where is Dean?” Sam asked, looking at the empty spot on the bed next to him.

 

“He left for work. He’s a stubborn man,” Castiel said as he threw the crumpled up note towards the younger Winchester. “Read it.”

 

Sam read the note and sighed. “Typical.” He stated, and went to sit beside Castiel.

 

“I want you to be here tonight. When he gets home from work. Can you do that?”

 

Castiel frowned and looked at Sam. “Why?”

 

Sam shrugged. “He just left because he thought you wouldn’t want to stay. So, to avoid getting hurt, he left first.”

 

“What on earth would give him the idea that I didn’t want to be here? That I would just up and leave as soon as I woke up?”

 

“Because that’s what other people did.” Sam said flatly as he was smoothing out the paper.

 

“Well, I have work but I can be here about six. That okay?”

 

“Dean doesn’t get in until 6.30, so yeah.”

 

Castiel nodded. “I’m going to make him dinner. And you, too.”

 

Sam chuckled and got off the bed. “As long as you don’t use avocados, Dean will eat anything.”

 

~*~

 

Dean was exhausted. He’d spent the entire day thinking about Castiel. Yup, he was calling him Castiel now instead of Mr. Novak.

 

Bobby had asked why Dean was there. Apparently Sam had called him last night, saying Dean was sick. Dean just said he was feeling better already and didn’t feel like staying home – Bobby had stared at him a bit too long for Dean’s liking but had let it go. Dean had buried himself in work, trying to get those blue eyes out of his mind.

 

He’d almost succeeded, until he walked into the kitchen and found that man making dinner. Sam was sitting at the dinner table with a huge smile on his face.

Dean looked from Sam to Castiel and back again and felt anger coming up. This was obviously some ploy from Sam, who saw how well Dean had responded to Castiel last night.

 

Had Castiel just come back? Or had he been here all day?

This was not the fucking plan.

 

“What are you doing here?” he said instead of a ‘good evening.’ It was his house; he could do as he pleased and at the moment he wasn’t feeling very civil. Although he wouldn’t call Castiel a stranger, that didn’t mean he would allow him such open access into his home.

 

Castiel turned when he heard Dean’s voice and Dean saw the apprehension in the look.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds here. It’s just that Sam invited me for dinner, and I didn’t want to take advantage of both of you, so I bought groceries and I…” he mumbled, and it was actually quite endearing.

 

Didn’t mean Dean had to take it though.

 

“What part of that note did you not understand? I think it’s highly unprofessional you came back, even if it’s for something as innocent as making dinner.”

 

Castiel looked devastated. “I’m sorry Dean… I didn’t know what I was thinking. I thought you liked it and I was under the impression you’d need more than one session and Sam told me about how your parents were gone and I just figured that-“

 

“Sam told you what?!” Dean practically yelled as he turned to look at his little brother, who was concentrating very hard on his plate and utensils before him.

 

Dean was on a roll now.

 

“You figured what, Castiel? What, that I needed to be pitied? That I’m all alone on this big world without a mommy and a daddy to look after me? You know what… just… just fuck you, that’s what! Fuck you! I want you out of my house. OUT!” Dean roared before stomping up the stairs like a petulant child.

 

He didn’t see Castiel’s grief stricken face. He didn’t hear the wooden spoon Castiel was holding fall to the floor. He didn’t hear Sam getting up from his seat to follow him.

 

He did hear Castiel closing the front door.

 

~*~

 

Castiel felt so stupid. How could he have been this unprofessional? Dean had clearly stated that he didn’t want to see Castiel again, and he’d been convinced by a fifteen year old that he should just come back and make dinner. Make himself at home, why not?

 

His fingers trembled as he put on his coat. Sam had gone after Dean, so he was left alone in the kitchen. Picking the spoon back up, he laid it on the counter and turned off the stove. No time for a fire.

He walked out the front door, feeling ashamed and on the verge of crying.

 

When he got home, the first thing he did was call Gabriel. He told him everything that happened, and even though his brother could be an obnoxious man, he wasn’t now and it made Castiel feel good.

 

“Want me to come over Lil’ bro? Take your mind off things? We could have a movie marathon. Sound good?”

 

“I don’t know Gabe…”

 

“Great! I’ll see you in an hour!”

 

So, here Gabe was, sitting on the sofa next to Castiel, who now gave more details as to what happened.

He told Gabriel exactly what Lisa had done and the state he had found Dean in, and also told him about what happened last night and this evening.

 

Once again Castiel found himself embarrassed and was afraid about what Gabe’s opinion would be about all this, but his brother was actually very laid-back. He’d known Castiel had had a thing for the mechanic at the auto shop he visited, but he hadn’t thought this figure was Dean.

 

“Almost too good to be true!” Gabe exclaimed.

 

“Except for the part where he hates me, remember?” Castiel said, sulking.

 

“Give him some time. I agree, it wasn’t your best move, but by the sounds of it… if he ever wants cuddles again he’d probably want you. You made him fall asleep. People don’t just fall asleep in stranger’s arms, Cassie,” Gabe said as he popped in a lollipop.

 

Castiel sighed. “I hope so.”

 

~*~

 

It had been three weeks since Dean had ordered Castiel to leave his house.

He was on edge all the time. His fingernails were bitten to stubs and every unexpected sound made him jump. He knew it had to do with Castiel.

 

Castiel had been like a drug. Dean had gotten a taste of touch, a taste of safety and comfort, and now his body and mind were screaming for it, mad at him for denying himself the loving strong arms of this Mr. Novak. The guilt was eating at him; Castiel had only been trying to help Dean. To be nice. Heck, he was planning on _feeding_ Dean. Anybody who tried to feed Dean would usually get a free pass.

Sam had saved the lasagna that Castiel had made that evening and Dean ate it as leftovers for two days afterward. Best damn lasagna he ever tasted.

 

He wasn’t planning on giving in though; he’d been without a loving touch for a very long time before that night with Castiel and he was damned if he couldn’t keep holding on until the craving would subside.

 

Surely, it would have to subside. Sometime. Soon, hopefully.

 

When he got home that evening, Sam was just walking out. He was blabbing on about a study date with a girl, but Dean was too tired to tease his brother about it. This should have signaled Sam that Dean wasn’t doing too well, but this girl he was going on a date with was probably more important and Dean didn’t even want to think about why that didn’t bother him anymore.

 

Sam shut the front door behind him and left Dean in an empty house. Grilled cheese would have to suffice for dinner.

 

After eating not even two bites, Dean couldn’t take it. He wanted those arms. He wanted to be held and he wanted Castiel to call him sweetheart.

 

Laying down he gave into the tears, sobs wracking his body. When he finally calmed down enough to grab his phone, he called the Cuddlebuddy number.

 

“Cuddlebuddy, Gabe speaking! How may I help you?”

 

Dean tried to breathe normally so he could talk, but it wasn’t working.

All that came out was a sob.

 

“Is this a prank call? Are you kidding me? You’re talking to the KINGof pranks here, I mean really…”

 

“Cas… Castiel,” Dean managed to choke out.

 

There was a silence on the other end of the line, until Gabe said quietly, “Dean Winchester? Is that you?”

 

“Yes, c-can you s-s-send…”

 

“Castiel, no worries, yup, I’m sending him your way right now. Deep breaths Dean-o, okay? I’ll stay on the line with you until my little brother gets there, you hear me?”

 

“Y-yes…” Dean whispered, still shivering and sobbing.

 

Gabriel stayed true to his word and stayed on the line until the doorbell rang.

 

~*~

 

Castiel had just come out of the shower when he saw his phone screen light up with a text message from Gabriel.

 

_Gabe: You need to go to Dean Winchester. NOW. If you don’t reply I’ll call until you do._

_Castiel: On my way. Elaborate._

_Gabe: Dunno man, he’s crying and all he wants is you. Told him u were coming. ‘coming’ haha get it okay no time for jokes but still_

_Castiel: Tell him five minutes._

_Gabe: Okay._

 

 Castiel got dressed as fast he could and then jumped in his car, rattle fixed by another garage, since he had been afraid to face Dean. He’d been a coward and went elsewhere.

 

Apparently he shouldn’t have; Dean was having a breakdown now, but who knows how long he had been on the verge of breaking? Probably the whole three weeks they hadn’t seen each other. Not that Castiel hadn't been on edge, but he wasn't struggling with his emotions the way Dean had been.

Castiel parked the car behind the Impala and ran to the front door, rang the doorbell and waited impatiently.

 

Dean opened the door with a phone held to his ear, lowering it when he made eye contact with Castiel.

The man was shivering, tears streaked his face and he looked as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Oh, sweetheart…” Castiel said softly as he walked in, opening his arms.

 

~*~

 

"Oh, sweetheart..."

Those words were all it took for Dean to break down and he fell into Castiel’s arms, dropping the phone, his legs buckling beneath him.

 

Castiel gripped him tight so he wouldn’t fall and Dean let him; he didn’t put up any sort of fight or try to maintain any kind of composure; he’d lost that the first night Castiel had visited him. He didn’t need to put up a front when he was with Castiel; he could let go and be held, so he could be strong for Sammy in the morning.

 

They stood there in the hallway for a long time. When Dean’s breathing began to calm, Castiel pushed him back so he could look at him.

 

“I’m going to take you to the kitchen, make sure you eat and then I’m going to take you to the bedroom. You will put on pajamas and we will cuddle on the bed. Then you will go to sleep. Tomorrow we’re going to talk about what happened and we are going to set up a schedule with sessions.”

 

“Cas, I can’t, I… I’m not signed up anymore and I…”

 

Castiel put a hand over Dean’s mouth, causing him to give out a little yelp at the unexpected action.

He looked at Dean with hard eyes, but also understanding, and Dean found it strangely comforting.

 

“You look like you haven’t eaten in a while. I’m going to fix that. Next, I consider you my friend, even after how you treated me last time. I admit I crossed a line and I shouldn’t have been at your home that evening without invitation from you, but you crossed a line too, the way you yelled at me.”

 

Immediately Dean felt more guilt run through him, and the embarrassment set in. His cheeks reddened and he tried to look down, but Castiel wasn’t having it. His hand wasn’t on Dean’s mouth anymore, now it was under Dean’s chin, guiding his face up so they had eye contact.

 

“I’m going to be honest now and say that I’m not even an employee; I was helping my brother Gabriel out that evening after the incident with Lisa. So, no worries about payments because I'm only doing this as your friend. I _want_ do to this for you.”

 

Dean flinched at Lisa’s name and Castiel gathered Dean against his chest again.

“I’m not her, Dean. I don’t expect anything more than just holding you. But I am not giving up this time, I won’t let you distance yourself from me, just because you think I’m going to run. You didn’t even give me a chance. Just let me take care of you.”

 

And Castiel did. He made Dean a late dinner, then took him upstairs and helped him in pajamas. Dean could’ve done it himself, but it was nice having someone fuss over him. When Castiel tucked Dean against his chest, he forgot his worries and was almost falling asleep as Castiel was carding his fingers over Dean's scalp.

 

“Cas…” he mumbled as he tried to snuggle in deeper before sleep took him away.

 

He felt Castiel’s chest rumble with laughter and a strong arm pulled on his waist, Dean enveloped in Castiel’s hold. Dean figured he could fall asleep to this every night and was quietly hoping on more than one session a week…

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Dean had a good week. After his breakdown, he and Castiel set up a schedule for sessions. Two times a week Castiel would come by (Thursday and Monday), and stay the night if necessary, bases on Dean’s mood. Castiel was being very professional, which Dean enjoyed and loathed at the same time.

 

It was weird; he wanted to be close to Castiel, but at the same time he wasn’t ready to cross a line and tell him about his crush on the man. Because that was what it was; a crush. Didn’t matter he was 22; apparently teenage hormones were still nestling in his body and making quite a home for themselves. He couldn’t stop the tightening of his stomach whenever Castiel spoke; that low voice did wonders for him. There was something soothing about Castiel, an easy demeanor, something that set him at ease without having to work for it. All Castiel had to do was just _be_ , just do everyday stuff and Dean would need to wipe his chin with the amount of drool that came out by simply just watching the man.

 

Not that Castiel noticed; if anything he seemed a bit more detached than he did in the beginning. Maybe Castiel had been a bit softer before because Dean had been in such a terrible state. Dean didn’t mind admitting this; he knew how low he had been and so did Castiel.

 

The man had come by for the first ‘official’ session last Thursday. As was the agreement, he made Dean dinner and had even brought some pie for dessert. Castiel had explained to him he was shocked to see that Dean had lost a few pounds over the three weeks that they hadn’t spoken. It wasn’t unusual for Dean; in times of stress he could barely eat and last time had been no different. It wasn’t as if it was life threatening; the little pudge on his belly could take a hit and would return soon enough after a week or two of eating like he used to.

 

After dinner they had sat down on the sofa and Dean was expected to tell Castiel how he had been feeling the last couple of days. It wasn’t like therapy or something similar; Castiel wasn’t a professional, but he had explained to Dean that everybody needed to vent now and again and so he expected Dean to tell him about his days. In return Castiel did the same and that’s how they would get to know each other.

 

After talking, they would go upstairs to cuddle on the bed. If Dean were to fall asleep, Castiel would stay. If he didn’t, he’d ask Dean what he wanted. Last Thursday had done his utmost best to fall asleep, wanting to wake up in Castiel’s arms the next morning. Still strictly platonic, of course.

 

It worked and that Friday morning Dean had woken in the arms of Castiel, legs intertwined and drooling on his chest. Castiel didn’t mention the wet spot on his t-shirt and just changed into a clean shirt when they got up. Dean felt a bit embarrassed and of course, Castiel had noticed. Castiel didn’t miss a thing when it came to Dean.

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Don’t what?” Dean had asked.

 

“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s not uncommon for people to drool in their sleep.”

 

“Jeez, don’t sugarcoat it, Cas,”

 

“Cas?”

Dean’s cheeks flushed and he stumbled as he got in to his jeans.

“Castiel is such a mouthful, don’t you think?”

 

Dean could see Castiel’s little smirk. “I agree, Dean. ‘Cas’ will suffice.”

 

It would _suffice_. Dean loved the way Castiel talked; all manners and expensive words, but never condescending. Throughout his entire morning, he smiled.

 

Castiel made him a huge breakfast, which he swallowed down without a care in the world. When Castiel presented him with a travel mug full of coffee, he grinned and promptly gave Castiel a hug.

There had been no hesitation from Castiel’s side, for the man immediately returned it and even held on a bit, as if he didn’t want to let Dean go.

 

That hug was all Dean could think about the entire morning. While working on a ’13 Ford Focus, he replayed the moment over and over in his head. Castiel hadn’t want to let go, and didn’t that mean something?

 

Didn’t that mean that maybe, just _maybe_ , Castiel felt a bit more than he was supposed to? Dean knew himself and knew he himself had definitely crossed the line, if the wet dream from a couple of nights ago was any indication. He’d tried his best not to get hard last night, terrorizing himself with images of Bobby in lace panties or Mrs. Moseley from down the street doing a striptease. Unsurprisingly, those images had worked and he’d stayed soft.

 

Castiel however, had noticed Dean was a bit tense and had asked if he wanted to talk about it. Dean had mumbled a reply of ‘no thank you’ and burrowed deeper into Castiel’s chest, at which point Castiel had sighed and just held him a bit tighter. Dean was not going to admit he had deeper feelings for Castiel, especially not when he was in bed with the man.

He could take rejection, but not when he was at his most vulnerable.

 

And anyway; what would Castiel want with him? He was nothing, worth nothing. He worked hard, earning money the best he could and doing some extra in the weekends for which Bobby paid him cash. Sam was growing like a fucking bean-stalk and even though he got their clothes at the thrift store, it was still an expense. It seemed the kid needed new clothes every month. He also ate like a horse, which meant Dean had changed their groceries. Dinner was now always something rich and filling, usually a pasta, lasagna or something heavy on meat. Sam liked salads too; and where did that come from? Certainly not Dean. However, he dutifully bought lettuce, dressing and other stuff to go along with it. Sam was his responsibility, and if the kid wanted salad, who was Dean to deny him?  


Dean spent Monday through Friday at work, then usually added a Saturday afternoon for cash. Evenings were spent at home, doing laundry, getting groceries, cleaning the house. He felt like a house wife, but didn’t complain. Sam wasn’t a bad kid. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass, but teenage hormones would do that to you and right now, they were raging in the fifteen year old’s body. There were nights when every single thing Dean said would be wrong, where he would be shot down for even asking how school was. It was normal, Dean knew that. Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Then again, an hour or so later, Dean would be sitting on the couch, exhausted by his long day, and Sam would shuffle in. He wouldn’t say anything, but he’d sit right next to Dean and if Dean didn’t raise his arm so Sam could cuddle up, Sam would take matters into his own hand and do it himself.

 

Cuddling with Sam was great, but it wasn’t the same as having a warm body next to you for when you fell asleep. For when you woke up. For talking to about how your day was, or what kind of things are on your mind.

 

Dean couldn’t do that; he couldn’t bother Sam with his worries and troubles. Sam was a kid and he needed to stay one. Dean didn’t want Sam to reverse any roles. Dean was the caretaker and that was okay. He’d made peace with how his life was and put everything on hold until Sam would be done with college.

 

He had wanted to go to college too, but he’d let that dream go. He had to provide for Sammy. Maybe he could go when Sam had his degree. Or he’d just stay at Bobby’s. He could settle. Not that that had been his dream growing up, but then again, it wasn’t as if their parents had _planned_ on dying.

 

With a sigh Dean grabbed a bottle of beer from the fidge and sat down on the sofa. He hated the weekend, wishing it was Monday already. Castiel would come by on Monday.

Dean had Cas’ telephone number, but he didn’t want to go all ‘crazy stalker guy’ on him and text him even though he didn’t need him. Well, he did _need_ Cas, but not for a cuddle session. So, he turned his phone off and sat back to watch a horror flick, falling asleep before he even finished his beer.

 

~*~

 

Castiel yawned as he grabbed a box of cereal and placed it in his cart. His night had been short. Sleeping in a bed, alone, without Dean? Well, let’s just say it didn’t go so well.

Of course, Dean had never indicated he wanted anything more than a cuddle session, so who was he to push? It was purely platonic. Just. _Work_. Without getting paid for it.

 

“Work treating you that badly Castiel? Must be hard, being a librarian in this modern day and age. Who wants to read stuffy old books anymore, huh?”

 

Castiel sighed as he turned around. He knew that voice all too well.

 

“Hi Lisa. I see you still get your clothes second hand from that stripper bar on Charleston?” he smirked.

 

“Funny, Castiel. So funny. Heard you stole a client of mine and then made up a story to get me fired. Petty.”

 

“The only thing petty here is you, Lisa.”

 

Lisa looked up from inspecting her nails and smiled sweetly. “He was a wreck anyway. I told him that evening he must be sick in the head, refusing a night with me. What a freak.”

 

Castiel tried hard not to strike her with his fist. She was riling him up, and he knew it. “Found a new job yet? One where you wear even less clothes?” he countered, enjoying the flash of hurt he saw in her eyes. Good. _You deserve it for hurting Dean._

 

“Did you tell Dean yet that you love him? That you’ve had a crush on him since forever? Gabriel told me all about it when I still worked for him. You were so _cute._ Too bad Dean’s a bit retarded, right?”

 

Grabbing the handle of his cart tightly, he swallowed and looked up. “You need to go.”

 

Lisa pulled up her shopping tray and flicked her hair back. “Just telling you the truth, amigo. He’s a lone freak and he knows it.”

 

She pranced off, swaying her hips, the clicks of her heels sounding like gunshots in his ears.

Castiel followed her with his eyes, only letting out his breath when he couldn’t see her anymore.

 

When he turned around to resume his shopping, he came to a halt. _Dean._

 

Dean was standing a couple of feet away, frozen, eyes wide. Castiel slowly walked over and put a hand on Dean’s arm.

 

“Dean, what did you hear?” he asked softly.

 

“I heard enough.” He murmured, before jerking his arm away and turning around. Castiel couldn’t bring himself to follow the man, too shocked to see the hurt in his eyes.

 

Dean _knew_. Dean knew that Castiel had a crush on him and he was disgusted with Castiel. Why else would he walk away? He probably thought that Castiel had been lying about the cuddle sessions being professional. Castiel had promised him it wasn’t about sex and really, it _wasn’t_. Castiel wanted _everything_ with Dean and sex was just a small part of it. If Dean didn’t want that, he wouldn’t mind. He’d marry Dean all the same. Some would say talk of marriage would be too soon, but Castiel was sure about his love for Dean.

 

Now, however, Dean thought Castiel _only_ wanted sex. Just like Lisa, but done more sneakily.

 

Castiel finished his shopping and went home, where he called Dean over and over, only getting his voicemail. He sent text after text, explaining everything, but he got no reply.

He wanted to go over so badly, but the thought of Dean rejecting him stung too much. He’d wait until Monday, when their next session was planned, to go over. He could only hope that Dean would let him in.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story went in a whole different direction than originally planned. Instead of somebody who just needed somebody to cuddle, I made Dean into a fucking WRECK, and naturally, Castiel is the only one who can save him. 
> 
> Might add some tags or trigger warnings for this.
> 
> Que the hurt! Enjoy! 
> 
> (ps; TW for small mention of self harm/ using alcohol as a coping mechanism)

Lisa was right. She was absolutely right. Dean couldn’t be anything other than a freak. So why did Castiel act so angry? Why did he pretend he cared about Dean?

 

And the look Castiel had given him when he’d turned around and realized Dean was standing right there and had heard… he’d almost looked like a hurt parent.

 

How dare Castiel ask him what he’d heard as if he cared. How dare he touch his arm so softly. How dare he speak to Dean in such a soothing and comforting tone. How dare he treat Dean like he was worth more than he actually was. How dare Castiel care about him. How _dare_ he.

 

Dean was  worth nothing. Castiel should realize that by now. So when Dean came to that conclusion he jerked his arm away and tried to get out of the store as fast as he could.

 

It wasn’t until he was home that he broke down, tears coming down his face as soon as he shut the front door. He let them fall, grateful that Sam wasn’t home yet to see his brother be so weak. After taking off his jacket, he pulled out his phone, noticing he’d already had three missed calls from Castiel. Dean quickly turned the device off and put it in the back of the drawer in the hallway cabinet, covering it with old mail and take out menus.

 

He didn’t want to be reached; he wanted to punish himself. He didn’t deserve Castiel calling him, checking if he was okay. He didn’t. Dean simply wasn’t worth it.  Everybody left him, and in the end, Castiel will too. Why postpone the inevitable?

 

~*~

“Dude. Grilled cheese. Again?”

 

“It’s either this or nothing. Don’t whine.”

 

“Haven’t you done any groceries?”

 

“Nope. Haven’t had time.”

 

Silence.

 

“You’re lying. Something happened, didn’t it?”

 

“Sammy. Eat your food.”

 

“Whatever. Jerk.”

 

Silence.

 

“You’re supposed to say bitch.”

 

Dean looked up from the kitchen counter and it wasn’t until that moment that Sam noticed the bags under his brother’s eyes. Dean looked like shit.

 

“Sam, just eat. Please?”

Sam sighed and took a bite, moaning obscenely in an attempt to make Dean laugh. All he gathered was a chuckle, but it was something. Dean had been acting strange all weekend and Sam knew it had to do with Castiel, but he was too afraid to ask. Surely something happened, but he didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. Good things could make Dean loose his footing just as easily as bad things. For all he knew, Dean and Castiel kissed and Dean was being his old self and freaking out.

Then again, he wouldn’t know if he didn’t ask.

 

“So, have you heard from Castiel?” Sam asked as he kept his hands busy with the grilled cheese. He didn’t want to let on that he was more than curious about the answer.

 

Dean answered, but the fact that it took a few seconds before he replied was obvious and Sam didn’t miss it.

 

“Uh, yeah, saw him at the supermarket. He’s uh… he’s fine.”

 

“Fine, huh?”

 

Dean sighed. “Yeah, I think he’s fine.”

 

“So, when’s the next session? Tomorrow evening, right?”

 

Dean’s eyes looked like they were about to pop right out of their sockets. “Aw, shit, yeah, uh, I guess uh… I don’t know. He might’ve cancelled.”

 

Sam frowned as he set his empty plate in the sink. He took a seat next to Dean. “Why would he cancel? He’s crazy about you.”

 

Now it was Dean’s turn to frown. “Don’t be stupid Sammy.”

 

Sam smirked. “It’s true though. Dude’s got heart eyes. Have you seen the way he stares at you?! I know you only cuddle but he already called you _his_ mechanic.”

 

Dean choked on his cheese. Sam firmly clapped him on his back and it took a while before Dean wheezed out an answer. “He what now?”

 

“Oh yeah. Dude’s crazy about you. I just don’t know why you won’t let yourself have him.”

 

Sam could tell he shouldn’t have said that. Dean put down his half eaten sandwich and got up, muttering a ‘he’s not even gay’ before walking out of the kitchen. Sam followed, feeling it was his duty as obnoxious little brother, and called after Dean.

 

His brother turned around in the hallway. “What, Sammy?”

 

“He’s gay. He’s totally gay. And so are you so why won’t you just accept the fact that he likes you?!”

 

“Because I don’t deserve it Sam! I don’t deserve someone! The only purpose I have is taking care of you and that’s all I do until you can stand on your own two feet. Anything else would be a distraction, and I can’t have that. I don’t deserve distractions. I don’t deserve nice things!” Dean all but shouted. Sam took a step back, shocked at his brother’s outburst.

 

Did Dean really think that low of himself? And how could Sam have missed this?

 

Sam wanted to reply, but Dean was already halfway up the stairs to his bedroom. Sam turned around, doing the dishes and pondering his next move. Because he was going to. Make a move, that is.

 

About fifteen minutes later Sam finally found Dean’s phone, hidden away in a drawer. After turning it on he saw Dean had tons of missed calls and messages. All from Castiel.

 

~*~

 

To say Castiel was shocked when he saw Dean’s name light up the screen was an understatement. Hands fumbling, he almost dropped the phone as he tried to pick up as quickly as he could.

 

“Dean?! Dean, are you okay?!” he almost shouted.

 

_“Uh… sorry man. It’s Sam. I’m just using Dean’s phone because I don’t have your number.”_

 

Castiel practically deflated and sank back onto the sofa, tilting his head back to let it rest.

“Is everything okay? Is something wrong with Dean? He hasn’t returned any of my calls and… well… I’ve been a bit of a coward really. I could’ve come over but I didn’t want to force Dean into talking, so…”

 

_“Cas, calm down, come on. Dean’s crazy about you, he’s just freaking out. Something obviously happened at the supermarket and he won’t tell me what. I told him you obviously liked him but he just went on this rant, rambling on about how he doesn’t deserve you, blah blah…”_

 

Castiel frowned and tried to process Sam’s words. “Why is he freaking out? Nothing weird happened, or at least I don’t think so. Lisa cornered me in the supermarket, went off about Dean. I don’t know how much he heard, but he bolted right after.”

 

 _“What did you say to Lisa then?”_ Sam asked.

 

“Well, nothing really. Just said she needed to go. And after she left, I spotted Dean. I asked him how much he’d heard, but he only said he’d heard enough and then he just… left.”

 

He heard Sam sigh. _“You idiot. Why didn’t you go after him?”_

 

“Excuse me?”

 

_“You heard me. Why didn’t you go after Dean? First you do nothing to defend him against that Barbie, then you see he’s freaking out and only ask how much he heard? What does it even matter? You should’ve told him, that whatever that Lisa person said, wasn’t true. He’s got it in his mind that everything she says is the absolute truth, and my guess is you are the only one who can convince him otherwise. But Cas, man, you gotta try. I’m his kid brother, he won’t take my opinion on things like this.”_

Sam was right though and Castiel could slap himself in the face with the sudden realization that the kid was right. The _kid_ was right. And he, a full grown _adult_ had handled the situation like an absolute chicken, and on top of that, let Dean continue to believe his own warped version of the truth even though he should have counteracted it _immediately_.

 

He unknowingly let Dean stew in his juices the entire weekend because he’d been too afraid to just come by and talk to Dean. He knew he wouldn’t get a hold of Dean on his phone because it was easy to ignore. Dean couldn’t ignore Castiel if he came by.

 

“I’m such an idiot.”

 

_“I said that already.”_

 

“What should I do?” Castiel whispered.

 

_“You have a scheduled session tomorrow right? Come by. He’s not expecting you but you need to come by and just… I don’t know. Tell him the truth.”_

 

“That I like him?”

 

_“Obviously. He thinks you’re straight, dude. Well, that’s what he’s telling himself anyway.”_

 

Castiel couldn’t help but snort. “I’m so _not_ into girls.”

 

_“I know. Dean’s just blind as a bat.”_

Castiel said his goodbyes to Sam a few minutes after, after asking Sam about how he was doing and if he was doing good in school. Sam didn’t tell him off, instead he seemed eager to share his progress with Castiel, telling in full detail about the history project he was busy with.

 

He’d asked Sam if he should bring anything for Dean, to which the boy had only replied ‘pie’.

 

~*~

 

Work was a bitch. Bobby was a bitch. This car was a bitch.

 

Dean almost lost it when he closed his locker and his work boots got stuck on the bottom. Dean almost lost it when he saw Bobby was laughing at him. Dean almost lost it. _Almost_.

 

He sent Sam a text when he walked out to the Impala.

 

_Dean: Won’t be back till late. There’s left over macaroni in the freezer._

 

He didn’t bother waiting for a reply, instead he just turned off his phone and shoved it into the dashboard cabinet. When he drove away from Bobby’s, he didn’t have a destination in mind.

 

~*~

Around 5.50 PM:

_Sam: Small problem. Dean’s not coming home._

 

_Castiel: I made pie. Where is he?_

_Sam: How should I know? He sent me a text saying he won’t be back till late. I called him but got voicemail._

_Castiel: I’ll call him. Maybe he’ll answer._

**_Call outgoing to <DEAN>._ **

_‘Hello, this is the voicemail belonging to…’_

**_Call outgoing to <DEAN> cancelled._ **

_Castiel: Voicemail here too. Is he okay? Where would he go?_

_Sam: No idea. Probably a bar, but I don’t know which one. I’ll call Bobby and after that Ellen. I’m at a friend’s house tonight maybe you could come over anyway in case he comes back?_

_Castiel: Let me know when you hear more. I’m on my way to your house now._

 

Around 7.20 PM:

 

_Sam: Is he back yet?_

_Castiel: No. I put the pie in the fridge. I called him again but still voicemail._

_Sam: Called Bobby again. And Ellen. They haven’t seen him but they’re worried now. It’s not like him to go out on a weekday. Especially not a Monday._

_Castiel: I know. I am worried too.  What time are you coming back?_

_Sam: Around ten._

Around 11.30 PM, Sam was asleep upstairs. The boy was exhausted but had remained adamant that he wanted to wait up for Dean. They had no idea where the elder Winchester had gone and Castiel wondered how Dean could’ve let it get to this point. Everything Dean did screamed that he wanted attention, he just didn’t know how to ask for it properly.

 

It was a cry for help and it was freaking Cas the fuck out.

 

Castiel had convinced Sam to go to bed and get some sleep, and had promised the boy he would wake him up when Dean came back. If he came back tonight.

 

Drinking his fifth cup of coffee, Castiel started when his phone buzzed multiple times.

 

Dean: wjhy did youi calll meSo much

Dean: whyy do u care

Dean: u big softie I jus dontt get iT

 

**_Call outgoing to <DEAN>_ **

****

_“Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy wazzzzaaaaapppp,”_

“Dean, are you drunk?”

_“Always wanted to say that, wazaaappp, you know, cause it’s cool, like,”_

“Dean.”

_“Like in that one movie you know?!”_

“Dean!”

_“Woooww! Wooow don’t be mad Cas… not you… you can’t be mad right? You’ll love me forever and ever and ever… right? Don’t tell me I’m wrong cause that shit just fucks you up and… yeah I’d like another beer, thank you ma’am,”_

“Dean where are you?”

_“In a bar. Heh.”_

“Where?”

_“Uhm… good question my dear!”_

“Dean, can you give the phone to the bartender, please?”

_“Whyy?”_ Dean whined.

“Dean, please just do it, okay sweetheart?”

_“Only ‘cause you call me sweetheart…”_ Dean mumbled, and Castiel heard some shuffling before a more sober voice answered the phone.

 

_“Hello?”_

 

“Hi, I’m Dean’s friend. Could you tell me the address of where he is, please?”

 

“ _Benny’s bar, 271 Furlow street, just off the main road.”_

“Thank you. I’m coming to get him now.”

 

_“No need to hurry. I think he just fell asleep.”_

~*~

After waking Sam up and telling him he was going to get Dean, Castiel got in his car and drove to Benny’s bar. Sam stayed behind but wanted to be awake for when Dean came home, which Castiel could understand. Dean had never acted out of sorts like this before and it was frightening.

 

When Castiel entered the bar he looked around until he saw Dean sleeping in a booth, stretched out over the tiny bench. He looked like death warmed over, skin pale. Castiel immediately went over and placed his hand on Dean’s forehead, sighing when he felt the clammy skin.

Dean didn’t even stir.

 

A gruff man from behind the bar walked over and introduced himself as Benny. Together they hoisted Dean up, each of them under one of Dean’s shoulders and with some work, they got him in the car. Castiel was left to pay Dean’s tab and Castiel was shocked at the amount of money he had to pay.

 

“Did he give away free rounds for people or something?” he had asked.

 

Benny had smiled and shook his head no. “No, he drank all of it.”

 

Castiel wondered if he should take Dean to the hospital, afraid he was going to get alcohol poisoning. Did taking in that much alcohol count as self-harm? Or did Dean really not realize the moment he went overboard?

 

~*~

 

Dean was slightly aware he was being manhandled as he felt strong hands lift him up. Another pair of hands was on his waist, steadying him. They were smaller and he recognized them as Sammy’s.

 

Too out of it to lift his head, he let it loll forward, feeling it bump into something soft and warm. It smelled a bit like cologne and  some fruity kind of laundry detergent. It smelled like Cas, even though it couldn’t be.

 

He heard Sam mutter something about a toilet, but he didn’t need to go. Even though he had his eyes closed, he still flinched when the bright light of the bathroom was turned on. Somebody had taken off his shoes and he could feel the cold tiles through his socks, although he wondered how he was staying upright when all he wanted to do was sleep.

 

All of a sudden he was being turned around and lowered onto his knees, and he felt someone behind him. A strong arm went around his waist, the hand on his chest so he wouldn’t tip forward. He was pulled against the other person’s chest and his head fell back. He tried to open his eyes or make a sound to voice his disagreement, because all he wanted to do was lay down, but apparently that wasn’t the plan.

 

Dean startled when he felt two fingers in his mouth and started to jerk when they went too far. He was gagging and his instincts told him to bite down. It was the rumbling, low voice that told him not to.

 

“It needs to come out Dean… it’ll be over quick, sweetheart.”

 

Jesus, that really sounded like Cas. Like, a lot.

 

Dean was trembling but couldn’t fight it anymore, and after what felt like forever the first bout of vomit came out. It didn’t stop there, even after the fingers were gone. It was like a switch was flipped, and he puked out every drink he’d had until he was dry heaving.

 

He heard Sammy sniffle and he felt bad for the boy. He wanted to tell his kid brother he was okay, but all that came out was a whimper.

 

Apparently the other person, who apparently wasn’t a figment of Dean’s imagination, but really Cas, also noticed Dean’s stomach was empty now. Dean was pulled back, Castiel still sitting behind him, both of his arms now encircling Dean’s waist. Another hand had a cold, wet cloth, that was wiping his face of the tears, snot and puke. He must look really sexy right now.

 

Dean wanted to laugh at that thought, but all that came out was a sob. It didn’t stop there, because the moment Dean realized he was crying in Castiel’s arms, _again_ , because this felt like the 1000th time, he decided to say ‘fuck it’ and just let it happen. He’d cried enough lately, whether it was with Sam or with Castiel. If Dean was being totally honest, he’d admit that it felt good to be taken care of.

 

Dean didn’t know how long he’d cried. When the sobs lessened, it took him a few minutes to calm down completely. Castiel was rocking him in his arms and Sam occasionally wiped his face, both of them whispering that it would be okay. Apparently Dean had been crying out for his mother, and seriously, could he be more pathetic? His mother had died, he knew that. Apparently you don’t remember anymore when you’re half wasted and crying your eyes out on a cold bathroom floor. No, that’s when you keep repeating _‘I want my mom’_ over and over again like a fucking baby.

 

Castiel rocking him side to side was nice. It was warm and soothing. If it wasn’t for the cold tiles making his butt go numb, he wouldn’t mind staying here all night.

 

Sam was the first one to speak, whispering to Castiel that they should get Dean in bed. Dean agreed, but didn’t say it out loud. He had a feeling he might break down all over again if they wanted him to talk. No doubt they’d want a serious conversation about what happened sometime in the near future, but not right now. _Please_.

 

He clung tight when Castiel tried to let go. “Come on sweetheart, we’ll get you to bed, okay?”

Dean didn’t understand. He didn’t want Castiel to leave. He gripped tighter, pulling at the man’s sleeves.

“I won’t leave. We’re just… relocating.”

 

Huh, Dean didn’t even notice he’d said that aloud. Still, didn’t matter though. Dean was being pushed against the wall so he could stay seated up. He heard Castiel talk to Sam and opened his eyes to see Sam walking out of the bathroom, going upstairs.

 

Castiel walked over and bent down, then scooped Dean up in his arms. He would’ve protested, were he sober and able to talk, but instead all he did was let his right arm fall.  Castiel had an arm under Dean’s knees and one under his shoulders. It was nice, and Dean let his head fall against Castiel’s chest. He blinked languidly up at Castiel, who smiled down at him.

 

“Think I’m strong enough to get you up the stairs?” Castiel asked him.

 

Dean needed a few seconds to let the words sink in, then nodded with a small smile. “Y’re strong…” he whispered, hoarse from the vomiting and crying.

At that, Castiel pulled Dean in a bit more, tightening his hold before he slowly walked up the stairs. “I’ll be Superman tonight, okay? You can be Batman. You  already sound like him.”

 

It wasn’t until Castiel was almost in Dean’s bedroom that he understood Castiel had made a joke.

 

“Not funny…” he croaked.

 

Castiel chuckled, then apologized when he accidentally let Dean’s feet smack against the door. It didn’t hurt but Dean felt happy at the concerned face Castiel made anyway.

 

Sam was in Dean’s bedroom, having pulled down the covers and closed the curtains. There was a bottle of water and a wet washcloth  and some peppermints on the bedside table, along with a bucket on the floor and a dry towel next to it. Dean saw it all but didn’t understand what it was for. He turned his face again, burying it against the soft texture of Castiel’s hoodie. Everything was too difficult at the moment, and he just didn’t want to deal.

 

Castiel put him on the bed and Dean immediately missed those warm arms. He whined, and then felt the mattress dip beside him. Castiel was carding his fingers through Dean’s hair and that was enough to shut him up. Dean nuzzled into the touch while Sam and Cas were talking to each other. Dean didn’t tune in; he was exhausted, physically and emotionally. All he wanted was for Cas to lay with him, but for now the hand on his head would do.

 

He must’ve fallen asleep, because the next thing he was aware of, was Castiel slipping into the bed beside him and pulling him in, enveloping him in his arms. Dean liked being the small spoon.

 

“No work for you tomorrow, okay? Me and Sam are going to take care of you.”

 

Dean didn’t protest. He liked this too much. It had been years since somebody had taken such good care of him. So, he nodded, then burrowed back farther into Castiel’s chest, indulging himself. There was enough time to hate himself tomorrow, but for tonight, he could have this.

 

He could vaguely feel a soft kiss on his temple before drifting off to sleep.

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Soft hands carded through his hair. He felt warm and fuzzy, enjoying the first few seconds of waking up without memory of what happened the night before; without the weight of the world barreling on top of him, dragging him down. Fingers ghosted over his cheekbones, his jawline and his lips. It was nice and Dean gave a soft smile. A low chuckle was heard then, and he immediately recognized it as Cas. That’s when the memories of last night came back, causing Dean to frown, eyes still closed. He didn’t want to open them, he didn’t want to see the disappointment on Castiel’s face. He didn’t want to let the other man down.

 

A thumb smoothed the furrows of his brow and Dean whimpered before turning away from the caress. He didn’t deserve this kind of attention. Last night had been an awful cry for help and he had acted like a teen gone wild. That wasn’t him and although Sammy probably knew that, he doubted if Castiel knew, too.

 

Castiel had come into his life like a whirlwind, uprooting everything Dean knew. His emotions changed and getting to know Castiel had seeped into his everyday life. Dean remembered the morning after one of the cuddle sessions, where Castiel had sent him on his way to Bobby with a packed lunch. When he opened the lunch box at Bobby’s he’d never felt so happy before; four sandwiches, one apple all sliced and diced and a very small slice of apple pie with custard; Dean had been in heaven on earth. He didn’t have those items at home so he knew Castiel had gone shopping for him, which had warmed his heart considerably and had put Castiel on an even higher pedestal.

 

He felt ashamed now; going through a breakdown that bad and rejecting Castiel this last weekend… he didn’t know why the man had even stayed. The thumb that had smoothed his frown was now on his nose, as the rest of the hand cupped his cheek. Dean whimpered again and moved to turn, wanting to hide his face in his pillow.

 

Dean felt another warm hand, this time on his shoulder. It held him back from turning and pushed him down. "Oh no you don’t. You don’t get to hide from me, Dean.” Castiel said.

 

He sighed, then groaned as he attempted to turn away from Castiel once again.

 

“Dean, open your eyes. Look at me.”

 

This only caused for Dean to shut them even tighter, desperately trying to postpone the moment where he would see Castiel’s disappointed stare.

 

“Come on sweetheart,” Castiel chuckled, and Dean could feel another hand cupping his other cheek. That actually felt really nice, and wait a minute… _Sweetheart_? What? Dean felt his frown fade.

 

“Yes, you like that don’t you? When I call you sweetheart?”

 

Dean didn’t open his eyes, but he nodded all the same. Two thumbs were stroking his cheekbones and god, that felt _nice_.

 

“Dean, I would really like for you to look at me now. We don’t have to talk yet, but we are going out of bed for some breakfast.”

Dean counted to five in his head, then slowly opened his eyes. He was afraid to look at Castiel and so he looked down, until Castiel ducked his head and caught his eyes.

 

“Gotcha,” he smiled, and the smile was so beautiful that Dean had trouble keeping a straight face. He wanted to smile back at this gorgeous man so bad.

 

Apparently Castiel wasn’t waiting for a reply and Dean was okay with that.

 

All of a sudden Cas pulled Dean forwards and peppered his face in small kisses, which finally managed to break through the carefully constructed wall he’d tried to build just now. Dean felt the corners of his mouth turn up and he was sporting a smile before he knew it. As Castiel pulled back and looked at Dean’s face again, the man grinned a toothy smile and Dean grinned along with him.

 

Castiel gave Dean a big kiss on his forehead, then tucked Dean’s face into his chest. “Morning cuddles are the best, don’t you think?” he asked, and all Dean could do was nod and mumble a ‘I guess’ into Castiel’s t-shirt.

 

This went on for a few minutes, Castiel rocking him, peppering his face in kisses and blowing raspberries in his neck; it was as if Castiel knew each and every button to push to make Dean feel safe and happy. Like he was made especially for Dean, who found that he didn’t mind one bit. Castiel was still here, even after everything that happened last night. If he had been truly disgusted by Dean, he wouldn’t be here right now. So, Dean took what he could, figuratively latching on to Castiel with all the strength he had, making sure he could keep this memory with him forever.

 

Dean giggled and squirmed, gave the most un-manly squeaks that had ever been heard and he couldn’t care less. He knew they were going to have to talk and get all serious quite quickly, but for now he basked in the attention Castiel was giving him.

 

The fun doubled when Sam opened the door and flew himself on top of them, tickling Dean within an inch of his life.

 

“Aaaaah, stop! Stop Sammy noooooo,” Dean guffawed as he tried to catch his breath. It didn’t work, because pretty soon both Sam and Castiel were working together and had Dean on his back, his t-shirt rucked up, Sammy explaining to Cas exactly where Dean was most ticklish.

 

When Sam told Cas about how Dean’s little pudge, and how sensitive that was, Dean shrieked. His little pudge was back again since he’d been eating so well lately, and the soft skin under his belly button had always been very ticklish. When Castiel dived down, his mouth on Dean’s tummy, blowing as hard as he could, Dean tried to curl up and fight it. It didn’t work though, and he let out the most childish scream he’d ever managed, causing Sammy to lose his breath with laughter as he was draped over Dean’s upper half. When Castiel was out of breath he laid down, his head on Dean’s stomach, taking deep breaths to recover.

 

Dean was surrounded by Sam and Castiel, every limb touching someone else and he was in heaven. This was what he wanted. To touch, to cuddle, to be surrounded by warmth and love. He spread his arms, one arm holding Sammy close and the other carding through Castiel’s raven locks. Dean was taking deep breaths, body recovering from the tickle attacks and trying to forget about the small headache he felt, a sure result of last night’s attempt to drink an entire brewery.

The two men and the boy laid there for another moment, all catching their breaths, until Sam’s small voice broke the silence. Sometimes Dean forgot that Sam was just a kid, and it hurt when he heard the boy’s question.

 

“Dean, can you promise me you won’t do that again?”

 

Dean took a deep breath and pulled Sammy in tighter. “Shit I’m so sorry, Sammy. I never meant… never meant to make you worry so much.”

 

Castiel kept quiet, and Dean knew that was because he didn’t want to interrupt the moment. Sam needed this.

 

“I know you’re lonely but you’ve got us, you know? Aren’t we enough? Me and Cas?”

 

Sam’s voice trembled and Dean wished he hadn’t been the cause of that.

 

“Of course you’re enough, Sam. Of course. Both of you. I was so _stupid_. I just… sometimes I’m just too selfish you know? Think about my own problems when I know damn well I want to be there for you. Not just because I’m supposed to, but because I _want_ _too_. I love you. You’re my kid brother, I’d do anything for you, squirt. You know that, right?”

 

“I guess,” Sam mumbled, and that just wouldn’t do.

 

“Sam, look at me.”

 

Sam looked up from where he’d been hiding in Dean’s chest, big wide eyes making Dean’s heart break.

 

“ _I would_. I would do anything for you. And I promise you that what happened last night, won’t _ever_ happen again. I’m so sorry I scared you.”

 

“Okay,” Sam mumbled. It was quiet for another moment, until Sam started to giggle. Seemed Castiel had broken the tension by tickling the boy, and Dean was all for it. Together they rounded on Sam, Dean yelling ‘payback’ over and over.

 

It was a good morning.

 

~*~

 

The difference between the Dean from last night and the Dean from this morning was like night and day. Castiel felt a little smug knowing he was the cause of that change.

 

He’d never imagined feeling so absolutely devoted to a single person, but Dean Winchester did just that. He blew every other single person away. The man was hurt and Castiel didn’t know how badly until last night. It didn’t make him want to run away though; if anything, he wanted to be closer and closer, clinging on to Dean to make sure he could keep him safe and protected. If Castiel could fold him up and put him in his pocket, he would. The urge to make sure that nobody ever hurt Dean again was strong and it just kept on getting stronger. Castiel didn’t mind.

 

Right now the object of Castiel’s affections was stuffing his face with pancakes, his cheeks bulging out to make him resemble something of an overgrown chipmunk. Sam was sitting beside him doing the exact same thing, and Castiel felt al warm and fuzzy on the inside, making sure the two were fed and happy.

 

Last night had been rough, not just on Dean. Sam had been distraught and when Dean had dozed off in bed, Castiel had had to console the boy as well. The younger Winchester had been shocked by Dean’s breakdown and Dean crying out for his mother; Castiel had noticed Sam’s face had been lined in tears as well.

 

Castiel knew both parents were gone and that Dean was the one who was practically raising Sam. This left Castiel to wonder if Dean had ever been given any time to grieve over the loss of his parents. Sam told him that, even though he loved his parents as well and of course did miss them, the loss had been worse for Dean. Sam had been very young and didn’t really remember much about Mary and John, but Dean had. Dean knew exactly what he was missing and didn’t really have anybody to turn to when he had troubles of his own. Sam explained that ‘Uncle’ Bobby did help, but wasn’t good with words or emotions. Apparently neither was Dean, so the help they got from Bobby was more of the material kind; he’d give Dean some extra money or help around the house when it needed maintenance. Any parts that Dean needed for the Impala were paid for by Bobby, and Dean had free use of the garage and it’s tools to keep his baby in shape.

 

Sam explained that Dean had been getting more and more emotional these last few months and that he figured Dean’s walls finally broke down some time yesterday. Dean was no stranger to alcohol and regularly used it to hide; Sam knew this and admitted to Castiel that he was scared Dean would one day drink too much and that he would be gone too. Castiel had consoled Sam and promised to discuss this with the older Winchester when he was feeling better.

 

 “Cas?”

 

Cas looked up to see two frowning Winchesters staring at him.

 

“Where was your head at?” Dean asked as he put another fork full of pancakes in his mouth.

 

“Just thinking. What would you like to do today?”

 

Dean chewed quickly and swallowed before burping with his mouth closed. His table manners needed work. “You’re staying?”

 

Castiel had to try really hard not to roll his eyes. “What did you expect? That I was just going to leave you after what happened?”

 

Dean was quiet now, staring at his plate, fork empty in his hands. Sam looked at the two of them and stood up slowly, taking his plate with him to the living room. “I’m just gonna… uh… eat… there. Okay.”

 

Neither Cas nor Dean paid Sam any attention, both too focused on the elephant in the room.

“I… well, I… don’t know what to expect, really. I know what I’d like but I don’t know if that’s something that you…uh…”

 

“That I what, Dean?”  Castiel asked softly.

 

“If that would be something that you would want too?” Dean whispered as he laid his fork down.

 

“Can’t give you an answer if I don’t know what the question is,” Castiel remarked, picking up the plates. He went to the sink and turned on the hot water, pouring in some dish soap. Dean stood up next to him, grabbing a tea towel.

 

“You wash, I dry?” Dean asked.

 

“Okay.”

 

They worked together side by side like a well-oiled machine, Castiel feeling right at home in the little kitchenette.

 

Dean was drying his last plate when he finally spoke up. “I like you Cas… I like you a lot. More than just someone to cuddle with. But I can’t… I want more with you, but I just can’t… can’t have sex yet. It’s too much, it’s too big, and scary, and I just… and I just need to know that you like me for _me_ you know, not, well, not just my body because to people it’s always about how I look and I just want somebody to hold me and I want-“

 

Dean couldn’t say anything more because Castiel had grabbed him tight, guiding Dean’s face into the corner of his neck, cooing and shushing him, one large hand rubbing his back and Dean all but melted into him.

 

Castiel knew this moment would come and he was glad it already did. He knew Dean liked him and of course he liked Dean back, and he would never ask for more than Dean was willing to give. To think that Dean was still scared made him angry; angry at the people who had hurt Dean in the past, who molded him into an insecure little boy, terrified of being loved. Dean wanted it so bad and Castiel wanted to give him the world, but he knew he needed time for that. If there was something Castiel had enough of, it was time, and even if it took years before Dean was willing to take the final step, Castiel would be okay with that.

 

“I’m here, Dean. I’m here for you. I like you too, and it’s okay if you don’t want to take it further just yet. We can just cuddle and sleep at night, understand? And we can go on dates, watch movies, feed each other ice cream, do all the stupid stuff regular couples do, okay? We can do that, sweetheart. We have _all_ the time in the world.”

 

That seemed to placate Dean, whose breathing evened out after being erratic for a while.

 

“What do you say you take a bath first, then you, me and Sam go out for a drive, huh? Put on some music and see where the road takes us?”

 

Dean nodded in his chest, and Castiel put his fingers on Dean’s nape, massaging the skin. Dean was warm and pliant against him. “This is nice…” he mumbled, and Castiel chuckled.

 

“Want me to start the bath? Can you get some clean clothes from upstairs?”

 

Dean let go, looking soft and sleepy. Castiel’s heart nearly melted at the sight and it took all his strength to usher Dean to turn around and get a change of clothes.

 

He padded to the bathroom and started the bath, throwing in an absurd amount of body wash to create a huge mountain of bubbles.

 

When Dean walked in with a pile of clean clothes he noticed some of his own clothes were mixed in.

“Dean?”

 

Dean shrugged and rubbed his neck, shy face staring at the floor. “I like your smell so I wanted to ask if I could borrow a hoodie?”

 

The feeling of possessiveness over Dean was new, but he liked it. Dean wearing _his clothes_. Wearing it because they smelled like Castiel. Everyone could see who Dean belonged to. It took a lot of strength not to smile like the Cheshire cat for that one.

 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine, that’s um… I think it would look good on you.”

 

Dean smirked and finally managed to make eye contact with him. “Also, I thought maybe we could take a bath together? You know if you, you want.”

 

Castiel gulped. That would mean they would have to be naked in front of each other, right? He thought Dean had said he wasn’t ready for that yet.

 

“Just, you know, we keep our boxers on or something. But we both kinda stink…”

 

“Hey!”

 

Dean grinned and Castiel grinned along with him. He didn’t mind keeping his underwear on if that’s what Dean wanted. “Okay, let’s get in then.”

 

Castiel was the first to strip down to his underwear, Dean following close behind. Castiel dipped his toes in the water, trying out the temperature. Dean snickered behind him and Castiel shook his bum, causing Dean to laugh.

 

“I’m going in. If you lose me, try finding me under the bubbles.”

 

The amount of bubbles was insane, and it was no surprise that they flowed over the edge when Castiel was neck-deep under the water. Castiel sat back and opened his legs when Dean stepped forward. Slowly Dean got in and sat down, his back against Castiel’s chest. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and tugged him closer, Dean letting his head fall back and relaxing against Castiel.

 

Castiel turned his head towards Dean and looked the other man straight in the eyes. “This is nice,” he whispered.

 

Dean gave a soft smile and nodded. “It is.” He agreed.

 

Castiel kept staring and Dean’s smile grew bigger. “What, Cas?”

“Can I kiss you? Tell me if it’s too quick, I won’t ask again.”

 

Dean’s eyes widened, but his smile didn’t falter. “You don’t have to ask me that. Kissing I can do.”

 

Castiel petted Dean’s tummy and nuzzled Dean’s neck before slowly working his way up, tiny closed lipped kisses trailing Dean’s neck and jawline before reaching Dean’s mouth. He gave a few pecks to Dean’s closed lips before it slowly opened, giving Castiel access.

 

He took the invitation and licked Dean’s lower lip before Dean’s tongue went out and met his, gliding together like they’d been doing it for ages, and it felt so _right_. It felt _good_. They kissed, bodies aligned in the warm water, fitting together like puzzle pieces, and when they were done their foreheads touched.

 

Dean gave a small chuckle and turned his body around, the water sloshing around them to accommodate the movement of limbs. He tucked himself against Castiel, one hand coming up to cup his cheek, and Castiel wanted to sear this memory into his brain, make sure it would never be forgotten, because for a first kiss, that had been _magical_.

 

“I’m really glad you got in the tub with me.”

 

“I’m glad too.”

 

“Thank you for the bubbles.”

 

“Thank you for letting me kiss you.”

 

They stayed in the tub until the water went cold, and when they got out the unspoken barrier was broken; Dean took off his boxers and dried himself off, Castiel doing the same thing. They were both naked, and it was okay. It wasn’t objectifying or even arousing; it was just the two of them, drying off and getting into each other’s clothes (because Castiel was now adamant he wanted to wear something that belonged to Dean, too. It’s what boyfriends do, right?).

 

That thought triggered a question, a question Castiel couldn’t hold back.

“Dean?”

 

“Ywes Cwas?” Dean mumbled around his toothbrush.

 

 “Are we boyfriends now?”

 

Dean blushed and spit out his toothpaste before rinsing his mouth. When he wiped his face with a washcloth, he looked at Castiel, who was waiting expectantly for his answer.

 

“I hope so.” He stated, and Castiel launched himself at Dean, who gave a small ‘oompf’ at the weight suddenly in his arms, but he welcomed it nonetheless.

 

For the second time that day, small kisses were peppered over his face and a smiling Castiel was just one inch away. “Then you’re my boyfriend.”

 

Dean grinned. “I guess I am.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end :)  
> With some smut.  
> And fluff. So much fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I haven't really got to tie up loose ends, but at the same time, there aren't any?  
> So I'm a bit confused about that, haha.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this story! I did (and it turned out to be much longer than I had intended...)
> 
> I'm working on a new story as we speak (another one with age-play but it won't be as massive as Muscle Cars & Pacifiers) and I hope to get the first chapter of that story up sometime next week.
> 
> Subscribe to me so you get an e-mail when I post a new story or chapter :)
> 
> * Extra thanks to Metztli for encouraging me about the sex scene in this, because graphic sex scenes aren't really my thing (anymore) and I also felt that wouldn't fit in this story. So it's more on the emotional/feeling side of things which works wonders because Dean is so emotional in this AU it's honestly ridiculous. Hah.
> 
> Okay sorry for ranting, enjoy the chapter :)

Chapter 8

 

It had been a few months since Dean had his massive breakdown. After a lot of talking with Castiel, they both decided it would be best for Dean to speak to a professional. Dr. Pamela Barnes was the person Dean talked to now, every Friday afternoon like clockwork. Dean had been closed off at first, but she’d gotten through to him. Slowly, Dean was opening up more and more and finally allowing himself to grieve over the death of his parents.

 

He’d missed his mother the most; heck, he still missed her. It was okay now though. He focused on the people that were still in his life; Sammy, Cas, Bobby and his colleagues at the garage. Gabriel had become a permanent fixture, too. Castiel’s obnoxious brother was challenging, but nothing he couldn’t handle. Dean had gotten over his initial shame quickly, knowing he’d only spoken to Gabriel on the phone when he’d been crying his eyes out. Not the best first impression. Gabriel didn’t mention it though, so neither did Dean.

 

Gabriel and Sam had found each other, it seemed. Although Gabriel was more than a decade older than Sam, he still had the mindset of a teenager and the two challenged each other frequently. Dean let them; he knew he shouldn’t interrupt their discussions and Castiel had assured him that Gabriel just hadn’t grown up yet.

 

Things between Dean and Castiel were good. _Great_ , even. They hadn’t gone all the way yet, even though Dean had been thinking about it a lot more lately. He knew Castiel didn’t want to push the matter and he loved Castiel for it. He knew he had all the time in the world and maybe that was the exact reason he didn’t want to wait any longer.

 

They’d done things, of course. They’d made out for hours on end, basking in each other’s arms, lazily cuddling on the couch. Castiel worshipping Dean’s body by giving him tiny kisses everywhere. Dean doing the exact same thing in return, nuzzling Castiel’s soft belly and making Castiel giggle by blowing on the soft, curly hairs of his happy trail. Giving each other massages, whether it was because one of them had a long day or just because they wanted to. Taking baths together, always naked now, gently washing the other person with just their hands, the feel of skin-on-skin was absolutely incredible.

 

Dean had given Castiel a handjob, and Castiel had reciprocated the next night. Castiel had been curled around Dean’s body while Dean pleasured him, stroking and twisting his hand on the sensitive flesh, causing Castiel to whimper and moan until he reached his climax, shuddering in Dean’s arms. Castiel had been so exposed, so vulnerable, and it made Dean fall in love even more. This gorgeous man was all his and he still couldn’t believe that he was so lucky, that his life had turned around so much in just a matter of months.

 

Castiel was the perfect boyfriend; ever attentive, always checking in to see if Dean was okay. Castiel made Dean his lunchbox every day and although Dean had protested this at first, he soon found himself eagerly awaiting to see what was in it; his friends at work were often jealous of the contents. After mentioning this Castiel had gone all out, making Dean carry two pies to work the next day. Dean had a grin on his face all day (and so did his colleagues).

 

That didn’t mean Dean took advantage of Cas; on the contrary, Dean wanted to make sure that Castiel wasn’t overlooked. Castiel had basically moved in, because they couldn’t bear to be apart. That also meant that Dean, after some time, knew all of Castiel’s facial expressions and could tell how he was feeling just by looking at his body language. Castiel was an open book, but he didn’t know that. Luckily, Dean did, and so it was that one day after Castiel came home from a long day at work, Dean immediately saw something was wrong.

 

Castiel had come in, shoulders slumped and head down, stumbling as he tried to toe off his shoes. Dean frowned and walked over, stomping his shoes on the floor heavily so Castiel would hear him coming. Castiel had a way of retreating into his own mind and wouldn’t hear a thing, see a thing, and sometimes it frightened Dean. He knew Castiel needed that time, needed to think about things for a bit, but he could never get Castiel to talk about it. He didn’t want to push, didn’t want Castiel to feel obligated to share what was going on in his mind.

 

“Cas? Cas, you okay?” Dean whispered as he slowly put his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.

 

The distraught look on his boyfriends face told Dean that _no_ , _Cas_ _wasn’t_ _okay_.

The man didn’t say anything though, just leaned forward, Dean reacting quickly by encircling him in his arms. “Shhh… I’ve got you. It’s okay…”

 

A small sob escaped Castiel’s throat and Dean could nearly cry with how small it sounded, how hurt, how broken. Whoever made Castiel feel this way deserved to be hurt, and Dean felt anger flaring up, before reigning it in. Castiel didn’t need an angry Dean right now, Castiel needed an anchor. Someone who’d take care of _him_ right now, not the other way around.

 

“Shhh… it’s okay Cas… you wanna come with? Lie down for a bit?”

 

Dean barely felt the nod against his shoulder before he guided Cas to the couch with him, laying down and pulling Castiel in between his arms. They lay there, side by side, Castiel hiding his face in Dean’s chest.

 

“Why don’t you let it out first, huh? And then, maybe… you could tell me what happened?”

 

A strong hand bunched the fabric of Dean’s t-shirt, knuckles white with the hard grip as Castiel pushed himself against Dean’s chest. Dean could feel Castiel was still trying to cry as silently as he could, but he wasn’t having it. If Castiel could let Dean cry like he did that time in the bathroom, then Castiel could do the same.

 

“Don’t hold it in… I’m here. There’s no one else at home, Sammy’s with some friends. Make all the noise you want, okay Bumblebee?”

 

Bumblebee was Dean’s pet word for Castiel, after having found out that Castiel had an obsession with everything bee-related. The word did wonders again this time, as Castiel let out a sob as soon as Dean said it. One sob turned into more, and Castiel finally let it all go.

 

It wasn’t very long, just a minute or so, until Castiel started to calm down. Dean stroked his back, petted his hair, gave kisses on his forehead. Castiel calmed down, breathing evening out, shuddering breaths disappearing.

 

“Want to tell me what happened?” Dean mumbled into Castiel’s scalp, ending the sentence with a soft kiss to Castiel’s crown.

 

Castiel mumbled something, but Dean didn’t quite hear.

 

“What’s that? Speak up, bumblebee.”

 

“Saw Lisa today and she… she…”

 

Dean’s eyes widened and his body stiffened, but he told himself to relax immediately, knowing it would set Castiel on edge.

 

“Did she say something? We’ve talked about her Cas… she’s not worth any more of our time, don’t you think?”

 

“I agree, but I…. she…”

 

Dean rested his forehead against Castiel’s, and looked the other man in the eye. “What did she do? You know anything she says has no value. Pamela told me that, so you know it’s true.” Dean smirked. He knew he had to keep the conversation light, before Castiel let himself drown in negative thoughts. This role reversal wasn’t new; Dean had learned quickly that he wasn’t the only one who got scared and lonely sometimes. Castiel was just the same, and this evening was one of many examples. They completed each other though; it seemed they were a perfect match.

 

“She said we… that we were disgusting and that… that she was going to tell everyone I was a fag and that…”

 

“Honey, honey, calm down. Everyone knows about us. We’re both out. Why would you, what…”

 

“How could she say that, Dean! How can people still think that! Why are we disgusting, why are we, can’t we…”

 

“Wow, wow, okay Cas, calm down, just calm down, okay? It’s okay… we’re not anything she said. We’re not, and you know this. Lisa is… like a bug. That I just want to step on and squish until there’s nothing but goo left.” Dean made a sound to imitate what it would sound like, trying to relieve the tension. Castiel was still on edge though.

 

Castiel looked mad as he spoke to Dean. “She’s like the bugs that live on that goo. No, she’s the poop of the bugs that live on that goo.”

 

Dean chuckled and gave Castiel a squeeze. “You’re right babe, she’s nothing. You’ve got me, remember? You’ve got me, and Sammy, and Gabe. You know I’ll love you no matter what, so why care about what some tramp like Lisa has to say, huh?”

 

Castiel stiffened. Dean knew he was too quick. He shouldn’t have said that. It just sort of… slipped out.

Dean scrambled as he tried to remove himself from Castiel, hoping the other man had missed the words that had just seemed to fallen out of his mouth.

 

“I uh… forgot I have dinner in the oven, so I just need to check, you know…” Dean mumbled as he tried to get out of Castiel’s hold.

 

Castiel laughed though. He _laughed_.

 

“Dean, Dean, stop,” he giggled as he tugged Dean down, who landed on top of him with a small ‘oomph’.

“I love you too, silly. God, I love you so much!” Castiel exclaimed as he held on tight, rolling them on top of the couch, looking straight into Dean’s eyes. “Love, love, love you,” he whispered, each word accompanied by a small kiss.

 

Dean’s heart grew ten sizes at that moment, he was sure of it. His whole body felt warm, and he knew he needed to be close to Castiel. As close as they could possibly be.

 

When they spoke, it was simultaneously.

 

“I’m ready.”

 

“What’s for dinner?”

 

There was a heavy silence.

 

“Wait, what?” Castiel eventually asked.

 

“I said, I’m ready.” Dean returned.

 

Dean watched Cas’ face closely, as it morphed from confusion to understanding.

 

“You’re… ready?”

 

“Yep. I’m ready. Like. Now.”

 

“Just to clarify. You’re ready. For... sex.”

 

“Yep.” Dean said, popping the ‘p’.

 

“Food first.” Castiel stated dryly.

 

_Wait, what?_

 

“Cas?”

 

Castiel smiled gently and rubbed his hands over Dean’s sides.

 

“We’re going to eat first. We need all our strength before we go upstairs. I, for one, am not planning on leaving that bed again anytime soon. Also, we’re the only ones home, we need to use that to our advantage.”

 

Dean closed his eyes as Castiel cupped his cheek after his little speech. “That sounds… sounds good. The uh… part about not leaving the bed.”

 

“I know,” Castiel replied softly. “Thank you for making me feel better, Dean. I mean that.”

 

Dean blushed and turned his head away, still not used to compliments and genuine affection.

 

“Don’t hide from me sweetheart. Let’s eat, okay?”

 

Dean gave a little yelp as Castiel tugged him in, giving him a tight hug before releasing him. When Dean turned around towards the kitchen, he yelped again, this time because of a hand that slightly smacked his bottom.

 

“Can’t wait to touch this tonight.”

 

_Oh boy._

 

~*~

 

Dinner was eaten… hastily.

 

The walk upstairs was done slowly, hands interlaced as they swung between two bodies.

 

Opening the door, Castiel walked in first, guiding Dean to stand next to the bed.

“I want you to tell me what you want, Dean. I want to make this so good for you.”

 

Dean was trembling, but not with fear. It was anticipation, heavy and present in his whole body, aching to be touched, skin on skin, as long as they both wanted.

 

“You… you need to feel good too…” Dean managed to squeak out, making Castiel soften his features.

 

“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. I know that’s sappy, but… It’s true.” Castiel said.

 

A pair of hands came to rest on Dean’s hips, gently taking the hem of his t-shirt and pulling up. Dean followed without hesitation, slowly lifting his arms so Castiel could pull the garment off.

 

Dean reciprocated the gesture, helping Castiel out of his clothes as well.

 

When both were naked, standing in front of each other, Castiel took a step forward. Cupping Dean’s head with both his hands, he whispered, “Tell me what you want, sweetheart.”

 

Dean swallowed. “I… I want you. To… to make love to me. But I’ve never… it’s…”

 

“Shhh… I know sweetheart. I know it’s your first time. I’m going to make it so good for you. We’re going to take our time, okay?”

 

Dean couldn’t reply. He just nodded, goosebumps appearing on his skin as Castiel caressed him gently, his hands trailing feather light touches on his neck, his pecs, his abdomen, until they came all the way down.

 

“Lie down on the bed for me sweetheart.”

 

“Should I be, on my stomach, ‘cause I heard that’s easier, and-“

 

“Shh… just lie on your back for me, okay?”

Dean scrambled to get on the bed, only calming down when Castiel joined him.

 

“We’re taking it slow baby… going to make this so good, you hear?”

 

“Uh-uh,” Dean replied, Castiel snickering at the barely coherent reply.

 

Soft hands trailed his belly, massaging his flesh. Light kisses on his thighs, working their way up. Castiel was crouched between Dean’s spread legs, giving him space to worship Dean like he wanted.

 

Castiel took his time. He _really_   took his time. Dean had never felt so loved before; so utterly _wanted_ , for everything. Not just his body. This was beyond that; it was slow and sweet but at the same time hard and rough, soft kisses, hard kisses, moans and whimpers, fingers touching every inch of skin they could find, arms holding on tight, legs intertwining and body parts moving against each other.

 

He was opened up slowly, _so slowly_ and so lovingly, all the while praising Dean with soft kisses, words of encouragement and praise, an ‘I love you’ thrown in until all that was left in Dean’s little world was just him… and Cas.

 

When Castiel slid in, slow and steady, he stilled, looking at Dean with utter admiration.

“Are you okay?”

 

Despite the thorough preparation, it was still a tight fit. Dean bit his lower lip, avoiding Castiel’s eyes as he tried to get used to the burn. “Yeah just… just give me a moment…” he mumbled.

 

Castiel lowered himself, being careful not to push into Dean further. He kissed Dean softly on his mouth, then rested his forehead against Dean’s, waiting patiently.

 

Dean felt the burn subsiding, and he gave a small nod to Castiel. The man slowly moved out before going back in, keeping up a litany of soft, sweet words, telling Dean over and over again how much he loved him and how he was going to take care of him. How Dean was such a good man, such a good boyfriend, how Castiel never wanted to leave.

 

He basked in it, his arms now holding on tight to Castiel’s waist as the man pushed harder and deeper, going on and on until they were both very clearly on the edge.

 

“Want you to… to come inside me,” Dean managed to gasp out, Castiel panting above him.

 

Castiel put a hand to Dean’s cock and pumped him a few times, getting him over the edge, Dean coming hard, trembling, shaking, sweating and in an all around state of bliss.

 

Dean wasn’t aware of very much after he came; he was floating, the only thing his glassy eyes were registering was the color blue, and then the eyes that held that color closed, the body connected to it stiffening before shoving in deep; Dean could feel Castiel come, saw the look on his face and knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with this man.

Castiel was beautiful when he came. Bit his lip, closed his eyes, shuddered… a tear fell as he came down from his high and Dean was luckily coherent enough to roll them over when Castiel collapsed on top of him. It was an uncomfortable feeling when Castiel’s softened cock slid out of him, but he didn’t pay it any mind. Castiel groaned before tumbling out of bed, rolling off the condom and tying it up before throwing it in the trash can. The light in the bathroom went on and Dean wondered why Castiel was going there, still totally out of it after that mind blowing orgasm. When the silhouette of Cas came out Dean swore the man looked like an angel, all naked skin and muscles on show; the light of the bathroom illuminating him as if he were in a painting that belonged in the Louvre.

 

Yeah, Dean was quite a sappy romantic. So sue him.

 

He startled a bit as he felt a warm washcloth cleaning up his belly. That’s right... he wouldn’t want to wake up all crusty tomorrow.  Okay, Dean wouldn’t really mind, but Castiel was kind of a neat freak…

 

“No I’m not. Just don’t want you to be uncomfortable, sweetheart…” Castiel mumbled.

 

Huh, had Dean said that last part out loud?’

 

“Yes you did,” Castiel chuckled. “You’re doing it again right now.”

 

Dean gave a sleepy smile as Castiel walked over to the bathroom to get rid of the offending piece of cloth. Yuck.

 

He didn’t really feel like moving; he was fine right where he was, coming down from his high, still all naked and soft, hair askew and pillows on the floor. Who needed pillows anyway?

 

Apparently Castiel did, as he picked two up before tossing them on the bed. Castiel slid his hand under Dean’s head and pulled it up, placing a pillow underneath. Oh… that’s right. Pillows were kind of nice. All soft and squishy. Just like Castiel’s belly.

 

Castiel gave a chuckle and Dean thought he might’ve said his thoughts out loud again. Man, he’d never been so out of it after sex. Then again, this was the first time he had sex with someone he actually loved and _wanted_ to be with. Who knows how many times they got to do this again? The thought made him incredibly happy and frightened at the same time.

 

The blankets were scrunched up at the end of the bed and Castiel pulled them up. He laid down in the bed, half sitting against the headboard, pulling Dean on top of him. Dean flopped over, too tired to do much more, nuzzling his nose in Castiel’s stomach, peppering a few kisses over the warm area before turning his head sideways and letting himself hear all the growly noises.

 

Dean liked the growly noises and Castiel knew this; it was actually quite soothing and he’d fallen asleep many times, just listening to the sounds Castiel’s body made; someone warm, alive, who he got to touch and hold, cuddle and love without the other person flinching or pulling away. He loved that. He loved that he could touch Castiel whenever he wanted.

 

“Please…”

 

“Dean?”

 

“Please don’t ever leave me.”

 

A hand caressed his scalp. “Never, Dean. I will never leave you. It’s you and me, sweetheart… forever.”

 

Dean fell asleep like that. His head resting on soft skin, his arms wrapped around Castiel’s torso. Castiel’s hands on his hair, fingers lightly scratching his scalp.

 

The fingers slowed down, breathing evened out, until the fingers did nothing more but hold him.

 

Dean fell asleep like that many nights after that. And then some.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
